


Deus Ex Machina

by noodlerdoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodlerdoodler/pseuds/noodlerdoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kankri Vantas is a romantic.</p><p>He believes that there is somebody out there waiting for him and that everything will click into place the second that they meet. </p><p>He does not expect to fall in love with the greasy sleazebag, Cronus Ampora, who turns out to be more than a worthless piece of garbage. </p><p>This isn't how things were meant to work out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lonely Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda a spin-off of GHTO. You don't have to read that to understand this.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters but this AU is my own. I don't support abuse, not sleeping, smoking or anything like that.

Eridan Ampora had left twenty minutes ago, mumbling a thank you before slinking out of the room and shutting it quietly behind him; nevertheless, Kankri was still sitting at his desk. Every now and again, he'd glance out of the window and shiver at how dark it was outside. It was probably ridiculous for a thirty year old man to be afraid of the dark but Kankri couldn't help himself. Something about walking home in the dark, alone, frightened him more than anything. He supposes that it's because anything could be lurking out there in the dark, waiting to pounce on him. 

Most likely due to his abusive childhood, Kankri often feels very paranoid that people are about to pounce at him any minute. Even during the daytime, he tends to cross to the other side of the street if he sees anybody coming. Because anybody could turn out to be just like his father, absolutely anybody, and he still lived in fear of being hurt like that again. Heck, he lived in fear of his father making a reappearance and demanding to know why Kankri had run away from him as soon as he could. 

In his memories, Kankri's father always twisted into a roaring demon that delivered sharp blows. 

Maybe that wasn't exactly right but that was how Kankri remembered him.

Pushing thoughts of his father away, Kankri decides to find something else to focus on and finds himself staring at the clock on his desk. It's a small clock that he purchased from a rare trip to the seaside when he was fifteen, shaped like a crab, and ticking audibly. A lot of people found the ticking annoying or stressful, especially his clients that made him take the batteries out for the duration of their visits, but Kankri found that he was very fond of his little clock. He liked to know that time was marching on, no matter what was happening around him. He liked to watch it tick. 

For a few moments, he simply stares at the clock and watches the minute hand creep onwards. He clicks his tongue in time with it, relishing the ticking noise that sounds so clean and crisp. _Tick_. One second passes. _Tick_. Another. _Tick_. Like a faithful soldier, time forever marches on and Kankri is content to watch it pass him by. He knows that he can't hide here and that he will eventually have to leave his office and walk the long walk home. But he doesn't want to, so he works hard to put it off. 

Maybe he could hitch a ride home with somebody if he waited here long enough. Oh, he hopes! 

After Eridan left, Kankri spent a good ten minutes checking and reviewing the notes that he'd taken during their session. 

In spite of all the grief it caused, he did enjoy his job as a therapist. Even if he cried at times because of other people's problems, ("Typical Cancer." Porrim always said, with a tut, normally buried in a magazine. She seemed to check her horoscope almost religiously and often called him to inform him of his), he liked his job. He liked to help people with their problems. He liked to feel that he was making a difference in other people's lives, helping them out where he, himself, was stuck. 

Eridan Ampora was a good kid, like most of his clients were, but he struggled. He was a guy that was barely out of college and had crippling anxiety, much like Kankri himself at that age. In fact, Kankri was still pretty anxious now, but he handled it as well as he could. Anyway, he enjoyed his sessions with Eridan but they were always reasonably late- always evening appointments with him, so that nobody would see him arriving. In winter, this meant that it was usually dark when the appointment ended. 

And Kankri hadn't brought his car today, since he was on a health kick and was certain that walking to and from work would be good exercise. So, now, he was stuck with walking home in the dark and as soon as he'd realised that, he'd started to procrastinate.

After he'd reviewed his notes enough times that he could most likely recite them with his eyes closed, he'd spent a good few minutes packing all his belongings into his bag. Laptop, notepad, phone, book, wallet. He'd checked that he had all five a few times- unpacking and repacking several times- before realising that he had no other way to put off the walk home. That was when he'd sat back down at his desk and started staring at his clock, deep in thought as he watched the minutes ticked by. 

That's where he is now and watching the clock, he finds himself beginning to fall asleep. It's not something that happens all at once but he feels himself slumping forward, resting his head on his arms. His gaze drifts from the clock to the photograph beside it, a picture that he took on aforementioned seaside trip. It features him with his arm wrapped tightly around his little brother. Karkat looks a lot like him, since they've got the same dark skin and eyes, the same messy hair. The difference is that Karkat has a much fiercer expression- permanently. 

He'd snuck Karkat out of school for a day, since the kid had been having a hard time of it and seemed even more miserable than usual, and they'd taken the bus out to the coast. Karkat had only been ten or eleven, still young enough to relish a trip to the seaside, old enough to complain about it all the way there.

It had been sunny that day, bright and hot, and even Karkat had stripped his sweater off to tear across the sand. The two of them had a great time, spending time together like a normal family would... As Kankri begins to drool on his arm, he finds himself going back there. He can smell the faint smell of sea salt and of sand and of suncream. He'd made sure to smother Karkat in suncream so that he didn't burn. Sun burns could lead to skin cancer, Kankri knows that, and he'd always made sure to take care of his brother. He had to take care of his brother because their dad wasn't going to do it and their mother was long, long gone... 

She died when they were very small and their father had been so upset.

"Kankri..." He's roused from sleep by a deep voice on his left side and comes around easily, snapping awake in an instant. He's well-practiced in the art of waking up quickly, having spent many years jolting awake at the slightest of sounds. As he wipes his mouth on his sleeve, horrified, he's confronted by the face of one of his many coworkers. 

When he says confronted, he doesn't mean it lightly. Kurloz Makara, a fellow therapist and decent enough friend of Kankri's, wears a thick amount of black and white facepaint. He paints his face daily to make himself look like a skeleton and from what Kankri knows, it's for religious reasons. He knows that Kurloz is deeply invested in some religion or cult or something but he doesn't really care to ask about it- he's too unnerved to ask about it, frankly. Either way, the sight of Kurloz is enough to scare anybody awake. Kankri hopes he didn't visibly jolt and sits up, rubbing at his eyes. 

"You're all up and dozin' off on the job." Kurloz has an accent that nobody seems to be able to place and he doesn't like to talk about where he's from, so Kankri has no idea. It's sort of... Gentle and relaxed, which is reassuring to hear from a giant man that dresses like a skeleton. He also sounds a lot like he's on marijuana, which he most likely is most of the time. 

"My apologies, Kurloz. I haven't been sleeping very well lately." It's only a half-lie but Kurloz probably sees straight through him anyway. It's hard to lie to therapists. 

"I get it, brother." Kurloz calls everybody either 'brother' or 'sister', "I ain't been sleeping too good either lately." He laughs and Kankri does too, even though he doesn't get the joke, "How's work going? Must be dull, if you're fallin' asleep." 

"To tell you the truth, I finished about half an hour ago. I've just been looking over some notes." Kankri yawns, "Yourself?" 

"I gotta see one more before I can head home. The Nitram kid, y'know?" 

"I wish you the best of luck." Kankri tells him, standing and stretching. Even with his arms stretched above his head, he doesn't reach Kurloz's height. The man is tall and terrifying, making Kankri feel smaller than ever. He was scared to speak more than a few words to him for the first few weeks that they knew each other. But Kurloz is okay and like Kankri, has his own issues, so they have a pretty good understanding of each other. 

"Will you be okay walking home?" Kurloz asks and Kankri wants to scream NO at him. 

"I'll be fine." He says, instead, because it's not socially acceptable to yell that you're afraid of going out after dark at your coworker. 

Kurloz doesn't seem to buy it. "If you wait another half an hour, I can walk you home." 

Kankri considers it and crumbles. "That would be kind of you, Kurloz, thank you." 

Inside, he is cursing that he isn't strong enough to brave walking home by himself. On the outside, he remains calm and just smiles gratefully up at Kurloz. The man waves at him before heading out of the door, pausing for a second in the doorway as if to speak again, before shrugging and slinking off. As soon as Kurloz has left, Kankri rushes to close the curtains to stop the darkness from creeping into the room. He does it quickly, flinching away from the window, as if it's going to bite him or something. He's going to need a distraction for the next few hours. 

If he had a messy office, he would probably find it easier to distract himself. But every single thing is placed perfectly; books stacked on shelves alphabetically, paperwork filed away, rug on the floor perfectly straight and not a thing out of place. There is nothing to clean here because Kankri is a perfectionist and takes great pleasure in his perfect office. Everything has been perfect, since he moved into it a year or two ago. With a sigh, he just decides to sit back down and withdraw his book from his bag. 

He's currently reading what his friend Porrim would call "a trashy romance novel written for a fifteen year old girl" but what he considers to be a piece of art. Everything fits together perfectly, the characters are well-written and the plot is complex enough to keep him guessing. Porrim says that the reason it keeps him guessing is because it's badly written but she doesn't understand. Kankri's best friend tends to dismiss any kind of romance, calling it frivolous and pointless, and takes great joy in reading romance novels just to pick them apart. She also says that the novels represent both women and romance inaccurately. He tries to pay her comments little mind.

Porrim is a nice woman; a Muslim, a strong feminist, a lesbian, a doctor, a part-time tattoo artist, and a pile of other contradictions. She's a very nice woman and especially motherly towards Kankri, often knitting him sweaters and inviting him over for dinner. Though she lives in the next city, she works in this one and Kankri sees her quite frequently. Her company is enjoyable, even if they do disagree on a lot of things, and he sees her once a week at the least. She's the only friend he has aside from Kurloz (who doesn't really count) and he's just glad that she doesn't find him annoying. 

A lot of people find him annoying. 

As Kankri settles down to read, he's quickly lost in the story in his hands and the story unwinding his head as well. He can't help thinking back to his appointment with Eridan earlier, since his client seemed pretty caught up in a romantic situation himself. 

Weekly, Kankri and Kurloz run a weekly therapy session. Whilst Kankri started there as an apprentice, he's now equally in charge and takes delight in holding the sessions. The weekly group therapy sees a lot of people, some of them only there for a few days, some sticking around for a few months or even years. Sollux Captor is the member of group therapy that has been there the longest, mostly because he frightened most of the members off in an ordeal where he punched one of the other clients. As much as Kankri tries to like the kid, he can't because Sollux is a pretentious brat a lot of the time. He hopes that he'll grow to love him but currently, they just make passive-aggressive comments at each other and glare. 

A few weeks back, Eridan had also joined the group therapy because he didn't talk to enough people and Kankri wanted to change that. The kid needed more people to support him. Since then, Kankri had slowly watched from the sidelines as the two stared at each other and tried to pretend like they weren't. It had almost been painful to watch them slowly fall in love with each other. Now, Eridan was in a relationship with Sollux, living with him and all, and Kankri heard about Sollux 90% of the time. As much as Kankri hated the whole situation, it did remind him of what it was like to be young and in love more than any of his romance novels. 

Throughout his entire life, Kankri hadn't gone on a single date. He had a crush on one girl in high school, who had turned him away when he confessed his love, and refused to be his friend any longer. He'd never had sex with anyone, (not that he particularly wanted to), and was the only person he knew that was still a virgin. At thirty years old, he was still very, very single. Watching Eridan fall in love under his nose, reminded him of just how lonely he was. 

He tries to push the thoughts away, focus on his novel, but he can't deny it. Kankri is lonely and he hates that but he's accepted by now that it can't be any other way. He can't fall in love because he is scared to. A long time now, he's been waiting for the right person to come along, but they never have. He's fully prepared to write himself off as a failure and take up crocheting or something. 

Yet again, he's jerked from his thoughts by Kurloz. "Let's go, brother." 

The man is standing in the doorway, waiting expectantly. 

His mind and mouth feeling numb, Kankri stands and gathers his things, pulling his jacket on and slinging his bag over his shoulder. On his way out of the room, he turns the light off and glanced back at the monsters that he knows lurk in the shadows. He shuts the door on them and follows Kurloz down the corridor. It's a garish looking place, the building, full of messages about getting better and positivity. The worst message is the one that reads: "YOU ARE LOVED!" in bright blue letters, a poster stuck up on the wall. Kankri knows it's there to help suicidal and depressed clients, who feel alone, but he can't help but feel it's directed at him sometimes. 

He pulls a face at it as they pass. 

Kurloz must notice him passing to scowl. "I hate those stupid posters too. If we can't buy that crap, how are the kids supposed to? They're not as dumb as everybody thinks." 

"I know what you mean." Kankri says, "I find them rather passive-aggressive myself. Mocking." 

Kurloz nods. "I hate them."

That seems to conclude the discussion and they continue in silence. Finally, they reach the front door of the building and say goodbye to the receptionist. Kankri pushes it open and pulls his jacket tighter around him, as they step out into the cold and he shudders. Since Kurloz has walked him home before- he most likely suspects Kankri's fear, since therapists are very good at spotting that kind of thing- he knows that they turn left before heading down the street and leads the way. Kankri falls behind, staring at the back of Kurloz's hoodie as he walks. 

Kurloz only seems to own one hoodie, which he wears everyday. Kankri severely hopes that he washes it at least once a week. 

Kankri stares at the spots of yellow light that the streetlamps cast on the sidewalk, using them to keep a control over himself. He estimates that there's about ten-fifteen steps between each streetlamp and counts down, holding his breath until he steps into the circle of light. Every time he steps inside on, he exhales in relief, though he tries not to be too obvious about it. It's ridiculous to think that the light will keep his demons away but it's better to have a way of coping than to just give in to fear. 

He knows this because he is a professional therapist. Or at least, he thinks that he's professional. 

It's as they're crossing the street that Kurloz speaks up again. "Vantas, is something bothering you?" He's using his therapist voice; a careful, measured tone that makes it sound like he isn't trying to pry. 

Kankri sees straight through it but pretends he doesn't, shrugging. "What do you mean by that?"

Kurloz phrases carefully. "You just seem kinda down, brother." 

"Well, the past has been catching up to me recently I suppose." Kankri purses his lips, "The other day, I bumped into the girl I used to like outside a store. And it just got me thinking that I'm still single, after all this time." 

It was true. The other day, he'd been out to get some food, since he was running pretty low, and trying not to make eye contact with anybody. As he hasn't been looking where he was going, he'd made the mistake of walking directly into somebody. He apologised, looked up, and there was Latula Pyrope in all her glory. His stomach did several backflips at the sight of her. She still looked the same as she did all those years ago with her braids and her glasses and her her headphones in and her grin. It took all he had to say hi and she just smiled at him, talked a little about her boyfriend, asked about him, high-fived him, and went on her way. 

As she always had done, Latula Pyrope left him feeling giddy and kind of sick. 

"Well, we're all single in our trade, Kan." Kurloz chuckles. 

"Kankri." He corrects, a hater of nicknames, "But I suppose that you are correct. Nobody wants to date anybody that can read into their actions. However, that isn't my problem. I just don't know _how_ to get a date. In rom-coms, they always seem to... I don't know, their meetings are fated." 

"Romance isn't fate." Kurloz rolls his eyes. He doesn't believe in romance anymore than Porrim does. It seems that once one reaches a certain age, one loses all hope in romance. 

The rest of the way home, they don't speak to each other because Kankri is inwardly fuming. He believes in the idea of star-crossed lovers and all the romantic clichés from every novel he's read, every rom-com he's watched. He's still hoping that somebody will bump into him one day and send his books flying. They'll help him pick his stuff off the ground, they'll bump hands, grin, apologise, they'll hand it back to him, smile, before asking for a date. That's how the entire scenario works out in Kankri's head. 

He's got the entire thing planned out like a screenplay and now, he's just looking for somebody to cast in it. God, he hopes that whoever it is gets here soon because he's not sure how much longer he can cope with living alone. 

Speaking of which, after he's waved goodbye to Kurloz, he lets himself into his apartment, shutting and locking the door behind him, checking that it's locked several times and turning on every single light. It is impossible for him to relax until the nooks and crannies of the apartment have been checked for lurking intruders. He's most likely paranoid but he doesn't blame himself. Being a therapist, (and proudly so), he knows that it's just because of he's experienced. His anxiety is probably normal, he thinks, as he picks at his sweater sleeve. 

Lights switched on, Kankri collapses onto the couch and looks around his empty, flawless apartment. There's something miserable about living alone, he decides, and thinks about how nice he would be to have somebody to call his boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. To have somebody to come home to after a long day of work and say "hey, honey, I'm home", just like somebody out of a movie. It could be argued that Kankri watches too many rom-coms but he can't help liking them in the same way that most people like action films. He gets excited for them. He pre-orders from whatever websites he can. 

After a few moments of flicking through channels for something to watch, he decides that it's futile and just puts a documentary about the Beatles on as background noise, before he picks up his phone. Without thinking, he dials Porrim's number and puts the phone to his ear, humming as he waits for her to pick up. No doubt, she's busy with something or another- she always seems to be. Hey, he wouldn't be surprised if she was busy with _somebody_. 

"Good evening, Porrim." He says, before she can get a word in, "How are you?" 

"You always ask me that." But he can hear her smiling, "Do you really care, Kanny, dear?" 

"Of course I care. I always care about how you are, you're my best friend." 

Porrim chuckles. "You're the sweetest, Kan. You're going to be a very good boyfriend to some lucky soul, one day, if anybody can learn to abide your pointless nervous chatter." 

"That's exactly what I was going to call you about." Somehow, he isn't surprised. She always seems to know what he's going to say before he says it, maybe because she's a freaky psychic, or perhaps just because he's predictable. 

"Are you brooding about being single again, honey? I keep telling you, you've got to learn to embrace it. Or, throw yourself out there. Go find yourself a boyfriend." 

"Porrim, first of all, I'm not gay. I'm pansexual. So, boyfriend or girlfriend or other." He corrects with a sigh, knowing that she's just teasing him, "Second of all, I'm not like you. I actually have values. I can't just go out there and date them. I've got to wait for The One." 

"Honey, no. You're never going to get anybody with that attitude." 

"Porrim, do you want to know one of the Muslim ideals?" He doesn't wait for an answer, "Not dating. Your religion doesn't approve of dating. You're meant to be waiting for The One, as well." 

"My religion doesn't approve of gays either." She reminds him, "I'm only a Muslim because I was born into it, you know that. So, I follow some of the teachings but not some of the others."

"You're ridiculous." Kankri informs her, "You're lucky that I find your attitude to be both intriguing and amusing. Anyway, I know that my One will come one day." 

"How long are you going to wait?" 

"As long as I have to wait, Porrim. I know that my significant other is out there somewhere."


	2. Great Expeditions

It was unusual for Kankri to get more than a few hours of sleep each night; sometimes, he couldn't even manage that much. 

Almost like an allergy, his body seemed to reject sleep. He'd decided long ago that it was futile to do anything other than wait patiently for the night to end. Most evenings, he'd sit in the small kitchen of his apartment and fill out some paperwork, type out some notes on his laptop. He'd begin to feel tired by the time that he was done but he'd ignore it, moving to the couch to watch some movies. Currently, he was working his way through the Lord Of The Rings movies and was halfway through _Two Towers_. 

When it really came down to it, his lack of sleep had a lot more to do with fear than insomnia. More often than not, he'd find himself slipping whilst he watched his movies, lured to sleep by the bright screen in the dark room. Kankri would close his eyes for just a few moments, just to block out the light, and everything would fall away dizzyingly fast. His body and mind always prompted him awake before he could sleep for too long and he'd blink away sleep blearily, normally getting up to make breakfast, since it was normally late enough by then. 

He was scared to sleep, his body was scared to sleep, so he didn't. It was as simple as that. 

He didn't like to go into the details of it with people. He knew people wouldn't get it, especially Porrim, who was understanding but a little bit no-nonsense when it came to health. 

Last night, however, he wasn't expecting to suddenly fall asleep and not wake up for several hours. He supposes it was his lack of sleep that had finally caught up to him. One moment he was watching the movie; the next, he was woken by the shrill sound of his cellphone ringing. At first, he couldn't place what the sound was, as he groggily lifted his head off his arm and glanced around the room. He was disoriented, confused by the grey afternoon light that was slipping under the curtain into the room. It had just been nighttime, hadn't it? He'd snatched some sleep before, obviously, but he'd never passed out like that before. He makes a not to consult a doctor or one of his colleagues, (most likely Kurloz), about fainting. It's most likely a bad thing. 

He rubs at his eyes with his sleeve, which have quickly turned irritable and itchy, before sitting up properly and looking around the room. It seems that the world didn't collapse around him whilst he's slept, which surprisingly makes him exhale in relief, as if he were actually worried. The movie was still playing on the TV, though the screen was blinking at him as if it were surprised too. How long had Kankri been asleep? He consults his watch. A couple of hours; it's now early afternoon and he thanks God that he isn't working today. 

When his cell insists on ringing, he groans and pushes himself off the couch and stumbles confused, groping around on the carpet for it. There's no sign of it there, nor in the kitchen, nor in his bedroom. Eventually, he returns back to where he started and finds the stupid thing on the coffee table. He must have missed it in his puzzled state. It's still ringing- Porrim. Most likely a very angry Porrim, depending on how long she's been calling and what it's about. If it's about a new outfit that she's sewing, she'll most likely be pissed by now that he hasn't picked up. He curses to himself and hopes not. 

He picks up, regardless. "Hello, Porrim. How are-?" 

"Don't you dare ask me how I am, Kankri Vantas! I'll tell you how I am- I am worried sick about you. You always pick up by the ninth ring and I've been standing here for at least half an hour now, waiting. I was on the verge of coming round and kicking your door in to make sure you hadn't fainted or something!" Porrim's voice is loud enough to make him wince and hold the phone away from his ear. She's too close to the truth. He waits until she's done fuming before pressing it back to his ear and inhaling to steady his voice. 

"I apologise." He mumbles, collapsing back onto the couch and fiddling with the subtitles. He can't watch anything without the subtitles on and he goes back and forth between the English and the Spanish. He can never decide which he's more comfortable with reading. Since he was very small, he's been fluent in both and often switches between the two. Luckily, Kurloz doesn't comment on it and Porrrim reckons that it's adorable. 

"You apologise?" He can hear her pouting over the phone, "I was worried, Kanny. I thought you'd hurt yourself or you were sick or something, you always pick the phone up!" 

"I think I AM sick." Kankri says, as his head still feels groggy and useless. It must be measles or scarlet fever or something. This in mind, he pulls his laptop closer and opens up one of his favourite websites. "Hold on, I'm going to self-diagnose."

This is the site that he uses on an almost daily basis, to make sure that he isn't dying or anything. Even he'll admit that he's a little bit of a hypochondriac, since he can't so much as cough without worrying that it's tuberculosis and that he's already at death's door. 

"Kanny, I love you but you're probably not dying. I am a qualified doctor, after all. Can you list your symptoms for me and I'll diagnose you? I know that those sites just freak you out. Remember when you convinced yourself that you had Ebola and wrote out a will? I still can't believe that you wanted me to have your Harry Potter collection." 

He didn't need reminding of that particular incident. 

"Headache, groggy, itchy eyes, slight nausea, fatigue." He lists off, rubbing at his eyes again. 

"Hm..." Porrim says, obviously preparing him for some terrible news, "Kankri... You're probably just tired, as much as I hate to ruin your dramatics." 

"Oh." Somehow, he's disappointed.

"Did you sleep last night?" She inquires. 

"Yeah, for a few hours. I only woke a short while ago, which was why I missed your calls." He groans and closes his eyes briefly, "Please refrain from lecturing me about my sleeping habits, I know that they're awful. Tell me, what are your plans for today?" 

Porrim scoffs. " _Our_ plans are that we're going to the mall, Krankri. I'll be around to pick you up soon, I don't want you driving anywhere in your state of _fatigue_." She says the word in a cruel, dramatic impression of him.

"There's no need to mock me." Kankri huffs. 

"Be ready, Kanny." 

"It's Kankri." He corrects, even though he knows that it's hopeless. Ever since they were young, Porrim has been giving him these awful nicknames and refusing to relent. She loves to tease him, even though she knows that it frustrates him.

As she hangs up on him, he drops the cell on his couch beside him and lets out a loud sigh. He stands and hurries to get ready, knowing that Porrim won't wait for him if he isn't already dressed and standing by the door. He needs to get out today, to distract himself from the emptiness of his apartment. Kankri makes sure to wear a sweater that she made for him, which is bright red and made of a soft wool. He likes the feeling of it rubbing against his skin and fiddles with his sleeve, whilst he waits for her to arrive. Kankri fidgets a lot- even more than usual recently.

True to her word, Porrim late enough that he's ready but soon enough that he doesn't have to wait for more than five minutes. She takes him by the arm and directs him to the car, even though he can walk perfectly well by himself. Of course, Porrim comments on his appearance but he hears none of it, taking the passenger seat. Much to his chagrin, Porrim often refuses to let him drive, even though he's perfectly capable of it. She's a little overprotective. 

When she's seated next to him, Porrim leans over to ruffle his hair and offer him a rare, warm smile. She can be truly lovely and beautiful when she wants to be, when she wants to be. Most of the time, she chooses to tease him and be snarky with him instead. 

"You haven't been sleeping again." She comments, her fingers playing with his curls.

"Mhm." He breathes contently at her touch. 

"Kanny, you promised you'd try for me. Why must you be so stubborn all the time?"

"I'm not stubborn."

Porrim just laughs at him, her hand withdrawing and she turns the ignition. The sound of the engine is strangely lulling and he leans back against his chair, frowning out of the window at the street. It's only a little bit better than the one that he grew up on. He really hasn't got very far in life, much to his frustration. 

"Honey." Porrim's voice takes on a gentler tone, "Get some rest. I'll look out for you and wake you up when we get there. I promise."

Porrim never breaks her promises. 

Nodding, he adjusts himself so that he's a little more comfortable and closes his eyes. The car is hardly the most comfortable place to sleep but he's exhausted enough that a pit of spiders would be cosy enough right now. Again, he lets his eyes close and he falls asleep right there in the passenger seat of Porrim's car.

The first time that he'd met Porrim Maryam was in third grade- yet, she'd already easily become the prettiest girl in their entire grade, possibly their entire school. She had thick, dark hair that was tied back in a long braid and smooth, soft skin and wore a lot of long skirts that dipped below the ankle. She was the most beautiful girl, simple and plainly dressed, unlike a lot of the girls that dressed up like they were on their way to a beauty pageant. Maybe it was her beauty that drew people to her but she could have had any friend that she wanted. Everybody wanted to be Porrim Maryam's friend and she could have had any of them but she'd chosen Kankri. She had chosen him when it had really mattered. 

It had been during recess and Kankri, much to his displeasure, had been kicked out of the library for talking. He'd stalked outside and sat dejected on the grass, scowling at the injustice of it all. He'd been glaring, picking at strands of grass, annoyed. That was when she'd approached in a swish of skirts and a jangle of bangles on her left wrist. Kankri had looked up to see her standing over him. Even then, she had been so much taller than him and pretty imposing to look up at. 

"Why are you sitting there like a loser?" asked Porrim, with all the charm of a eight year old. 

"None of your business." Kankri responded, waiting for her to leave him alone. 

Porrim stuck her tongue out and waggled it at him, surprising him. "I was just asking, jeez." 

She sat down carefully, crossing her legs and flicking her braid back over her shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Kankri demanded.

"Do you want a friendship bracelet?" She picked a daisy from the grass and held it up to him, in order to emphasise her point. 

He'd blinked at her. "We aren't friends." 

"We are now." She had grinned at him, a shock of white teeth, "I just decided." 

That was the moment that the pair of them became a package deal; they were no longer Porrim and Kankri, they were Porrim-and-Kankri, a two in one deal. 

After that particular day, there would be years of note passing, book trading and homework copying, (Porrim always seemed to forget hers and Kankri was much too obliging). There had been middle school; a mess of who-likes-who, sleepovers, flavoured lipgloss, magazines, comics, listening to music. High school had passed in a hazy blur of memories: bullying, piercings, Porrim getting disowned for a week, both of them turning out to be queer. Kankri's dad banning him from seeing Porrim anymore, since she was a bad influence. That was probably some time after she got the nose piercing. 

He hadn't spoken to her for a while, until he'd escaped from his dad and come to live in the city. Now, they were adults and closer than ever. Best friends- the thought of that never failed to warm Kankri's heart. 

True to her word, Porrim rouses him once they reached the mall. "Kanny..." 

He feels considerably better for sleeping, somehow. Maybe he should stay with Porrim for a while, if it really helps him rest like that. She should surely wouldn't mind having him to stay at her place for a little while. She'd maybe even welcome it, since she enjoyed taking care of him so much. Now, Porrim helps him out of the car, steadying him, before taking his hand and leading him inside. Her hand is surprisingly cool and her long fingers wrap tightly around him, holding his hand so that they must look like a couple to onlookers. He tries to point this out but Porrim shuts him out, telling him that he wishes they were a couple. She's probably joking because he definitely doesn't. 

The next few hours pass by quickly, thankfully, as Kankri waits outside numerous dressing rooms whilst his best friend tries about a million outfits on. For the first time today, he checks his cell phone and answers several anxious messages from Eridan. Apparently, his brother- who he hasn't had contact with in a long time- is in town again and this is enough to make Eridan worry. It seems like his brother isn't somebody that he likes too much. Kankri doesn't know much about the brother, only that his name is Cronus and that he's a few years older than Eridan.

Kankri imagines him as a slightly older version of Eridan: a ginger, freckled hot mess with thick glasses and a strange wobble in his voice. 

Eridan explains through text that his older brother has no idea about Eridan even attending therapy but that he's going to tell Cronus about it soon. And once he does, he wants Kankri to talk to him about it as well and try to explain a little better. Obligingly, Kankri agrees to meet him as soon as Eridan feels comfortable with it. Then, he reassures the poor kid that he'll be fine and returns to criticising Porrim's newest dress. 

"I can see the strap of your brassiere." He points out, looking up from his phone.

"Really? You can?" Porrim turns to check in the mirror, fiddles with it awhile, before declaring the situation hopeless; she complains as she locks herself back in the changing cubicle, "Do dress companies even know that it's respectful to cover yourself up?" 

"It's unlikely." Kankri says, "Most clothing companies rarely cater to people's actual needs." 

"It was a rhetorical question." He knows that she's rolling her eyes, "I'm never going to find anything to wear to that fancy dinner with my mother." 

Luckily, with help from him, it doesn't take her too long to decide if she's going to buy or not. This means that the trip is mostly painless, since they get in and out of most of the stores reasonably quickly. However, she purchases a lot and somehow, he's roped into carrying most of her shopping. This means that he falls a little behind, as they head to the next store. The trek around the mall is long and boring, meaning that he's practically crawling towards the end of it. One thing that does capture his attention however is an attractive guy, who is leaning against the wall outside of a coffee shop. He doesn't notice him because he's attractive. 

In fact, he notices the smell of smoke first, which causes him to glance up and catch sight of this man. It's a guy around Kankri's age, dressed mainly in leather and denim, the kind of clothes that people wore in the 1950s. There are lots of holes intentionally worn into his clothes. He even has dark hair, which he has slicked back in a way that looks a little stupid, but still, Kankri can appreciate that this man is attractive. The only thing that pisses him off is that the man is smoking and right next to a NO SMOKING sign, as well. What a pretentious asshole. The thought is enough to make Kankri snicker a little and somehow, that captures the man's attention. 

When the guy looks up, Kankri discovers that his eyes are an electric kind of blue- a bright, bright colour that is too beautiful to be natural, surely. He doesn't have long to focus on this, however, as he notes quickly that the man is smirking at him. Now, this man is considerably bigger than Kankri and when he looks at him like that, cigarette held in his hand, it's worse than a smack to the face for Kankri. This man, despite being much younger, reminds Kankri of his father and the small man shrinks back immediately. That's when he realises that Porrim has stopped to see what's wrong but he can't explain. He can't rationalise why this panics him. He can feel the blood pounding his ears, his stomach clenching, and he tugs urgently on Porrim's arm. 

"Kankri, what's-?" She takes a look at him and seems to realise what's wrong immediately, wrapping an arm around him and quickly guiding him away. Kankri can't focus on anything except walking, as she ushers him into a girls' bathroom- he doesn't even care, he's past the point of caring- and pushes him into a stall. She locks the door behind them and holds him as he takes deep, shuddering breath. He doesn't dare blink, for fear that all he'll be able to see in the darkness of his eyelids will be his father leering at him. 

Porrim soothes him, as he mumbles what probably sounds like nonsense to her, and rubs his back. "Shush... Kanny... I've got you... It's going to be okay... I promise..." 

Once the wave of sickness has passed and he can breath again, his lungs finally letting him gasp in enough air, the room comes back into focus. Porrim's arms are still wrapped around him, her hand rubbing small circles into his back, and she shushes him. This is when he realises that he's crying and pulls away from her suddenly. His face is wet with tears. God, he feels pathetic. All this because somebody looked at him in a certain way. 

When he's found the wall of the stall, he slides down and sits against it, picking another hole in the sleeve of his sweater with his sharp nails. For once, Porrim doesn't scold him for it. 

She sits down opposite him. "A panic attack?" 

Kankri can only nod, dizzy with thick and heavy emotions. The hole in his sleeve grows bigger, the thread unravelling. 

"It's been a long time since you last had one of those." She comments, sounding as if she just found out that he'd caught stomach flu again.

"I know." 

"Are you okay?" She reaches out, her bracelets jangling. 

"Don't touch me." He pulls his knees up and presses his face against them- a barrier, "Just... Don't touch me. I don't want you to touch me, Porrim." 

Her hand retracts. "What do you think-?"

"Triggered it? I don't know." He says, too fast to sound even a little convincing. Thinking about the man and the way he looked at him, Kankri wonders if maybe he overreacted. It was just... That smug look on the man's face... The way he held a cigarette like that, just like Kankri's father used to. God, he just needed a bottle of drink in the other hand and he would have been almost a spitting image. Kankri laughs bitterly at the thought and Porrim looks more concerned. 

"You're going to stay with me tonight." Porrim decides, promptly.

"But-" 

"No buts. You're still shaking, Kanny." He looks down and realises that she's right, "I promise that I'll take care of you. You're going to be just fine." 

Sometimes, he wonders why she isn't the therapist instead of him. 

"Thank you, Porrim."


	3. Second Impressions

Kankri stays at his best friend's house for six weeks, sleeping in her guest bedroom. Her place is even nicer than he remembered it and he comes to think of the fabric draped walls and the dark wood doors as home very quickly. Not to mention, Porrim insists on "taking care of him", which seems to mean feeding him up and finishing the Lord of The Rings series with blankets piled on top of them. As pathetic as it sounds, he honest to god never wants to leave. 

At the midpoint of his stay, he receives a message from Eridan. He has missing a few sessions recently, so Kankri is actually rather pleased to hear from him. The message informs him that Cronus will be meeting with him as soon as possible. Apparently, Cronus found out that Eridan was "messed up" (Eridan's words) and was surprised. Now, as predicted, he wants to meet with Kankri to find out exactly what the deal is. 

Kankri suggests a Thursday afternoon, since he has an empty slot where one of his appointments was cancelled last minute. Eridan says that will be just perfect but unfortunately, he has got his hands full at the moment he won't be coming, only his brother. Though he'd rather Eridan was there, Kankri says that will be fine. He even says that he looks forward to meeting Cronus, which is only a half-lie. Kankri doesn't like meeting new people. 

Porrim is quick to assure him, as always. "Kanny... You'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about, I swear. You meet with people everyday." 

"Not new people. I've had the same clients for months, years." Kankri reasons with her. 

"But they were new people to you once." She points out. 

He doesn't argue with her, knowing that he is defeated. Instead, he just lets her drive him to work, sat in the ever degrading passenger seat and staring at his knees for the duration of the journey. He's just tall enough to see properly over the dashboard but he doesn't bother, not wanting to know how close they are to the office. Porrim advises him to sit up straight, threatens to get him a car-seat to sit on, and promises that he'll be fine. Then, she parks up and he climbs out of the car, waving goodbye to her before heading inside. 

In the morning, he has two appointments which are each an hour apart and both of them go pretty smoothly. He is good at his job- if he says so himself- and is very good at soothing people, which is why he normally gets the more stressed clients. Nobody says so but he knows that it's true. He also knows that Kurloz gets the temperamental patients because he's strong enough to be able to stop them breaking anything. Kankri is just glad that the morning goes well. When he meets Kurloz between appointments, he agrees to have lunch with him. 

At work, their lunch break lasts for one hour, thirty minutes, which is a reasonably long time. But he supposes that it's a rather stressful job, so they deserve a long break. That's what Kankri thinks, at least. 

If Kankri schedules his appointments right, his lunch break can last even longer than that but he rarely does. He likes his work to keep him occupied from his own thoughts. Today, it's the usual times and he heads out to grab lunch with Kurloz around noon. Most days, they'll do this, since they work closely together a lot of the time and often meet up to help each other out. Kurloz is a lot better at analysing his clients but Kankri is a lot better at filling out the paperwork. So, they spend time together and make sure that both of their work is up to scratch. They help each other out and Kankri likes to think that this makes them friends. He can't be sure, though. 

Today, they decide that they're going to get pizza. Or rather, Kankri does and Kurloz nods. Though he wouldn't call the man unsociable, he's certainly a lot quieter than most people- but that's okay because Kankri can fill the silence by rambling on about whatever he chooses. Most people seem to find his constant talking annoying but Kurloz just nods along with him, probably not listening. Kankri is just glad that he isn't told to shut up. 

"Porrim says that things are going to take a turn for the worst for Capricorns." Kankri informs him, reading his newest text from her before sending her a quick reply. They're crossing the road and Kurloz holds him by the arm, making sure that he doesn't get run over in the busy traffic. 

"I look forward to that brother." Kurloz chuckles, "That sister seems to really dig that astrology crap, doesn't she?" 

"You don't believe in it?" Kankri looks up, pleasantly surprised, and pushes the door to the pizza place open. He holds it for Kurloz, who is tall enough that he has to suck to fit through the doorway. This pizza place is a little further from their office from the places that they usually go- they normally go to the Chinese place just across the street or the Italian place a few minutes away- and had to walk a little to get here. 

"Nah, horoscopes don't know shit." Kurloz leads the way to a table situated at the back, "I mean, I don't know shit either but at least I'm not as pretentious as one of those fuckin' things." 

Kankri laughs and takes his seat, the one closest to the wall. "They really are quite pretentious. Porrim quite enjoys them though." 

Kurloz takes the seat across from him. "You really should smile more, brother. People would like you a lot more if you did." He leans over and pokes Kankri's face, pinching his cheeks lightly to make him smile, "There. Now, you're gonna pick up some brother or sister, for sure." 

"Ugh." Kankri rolls his eyes and wriggles free of his grip, "I don't intend to "pick up" anybody, Kurloz. I will know when I meet The One. It will be fate." 

"Whatever you say, brother. Did Porrim send you your horoscope too? Why don't you check it and see if it backs up your point there?" Kurloz nods to his phone, which is sill tightly clutched in the smaller man's hand. 

"You just said that they were 'full of shit'." He doesn't like to swear, making sure to put quotation marks around it with his fingers. 

When he was young, it was drummed into him by his father that swearing was bad and that he should never, never do it, (it was the same case with a lot of things). It was one of the beliefs that he stuck with, not wanting to upset his father or anybody else, even now that he was free to do whatever he wanted. Kankri only swore when he was really, really frustrated. His younger brother was the opposite, of course, swearing every other word without even thinking about it. At least, that was what Karkat had been like when he'd last seen him. A lot of time has passed since then. 

"Read it anyway. Humour me." Kurloz takes a menu and opens it, his finger racing down the page to find what he's after.

Kankri sighs and opens the text he'd received from Porrim earlier. "Cancer- something life-changing will happen today if you choose to pursue it." Kankri scoffs and Kurloz chuckles, flicking him with a menu as if to say _see?_. Kankri scans the menu, though he doesn't know why he bothers because he's already set on ordering a vegan pizza with the works. Both him and Porrim have been trying to go vegan for years and he won't be swayed today.

"I bet that means you're going to find The One today." Kurloz seems to be teasing but it's hard to tell underneath all his facepaint; that stuff makes it really difficult to read his facial expression. 

"It doesn't mean anything." Kankri groans. 

Possibly smirking, Kurloz waves a waiter over and they place their orders. Lacking anything to talk about, both of them resort to staring at their phones instead. Kankri has several messages from Porrim and Eridan in his inbox, which he quickly gets to answering. He's a little concerned that Eridan feels as if he has to check if Kankri's really okay with all of this- he is- and wonders what Eridan's brother is like. He speaks out loud and Kurloz tilts his head to one side, considering. 

"Cronus Ampora?" He repeats, with a frown, "Why do I feel as if I've heard that name before?" 

Kankri just shrugs at him. 

After lunch, they both head to the building and into their separate offices, which are on opposing sides of the corridor. Despite the cold outside, Kankri opts to open the window wide to let more air in. His palms are already beginning to grow clammy and he honestly has no idea what he's so worried about. He so rarely knows what he's so anxious about but something like this, meeting new people, makes him fidget more than usual. Pausing at the window, he stares out at the busy street outside and watches the cars rush by. There's something calming about watching people going about their lives, he's found over the years. 

Kankri checks the clock and realises that he has about ten minutes before Cronus is due to arrive. He takes his seat behind his desk and sorts through his cabinet for Eridan's file, which he pulls out and rests on the desk. As if to check nothing is missing, Kankri flicks through it a few times and reminds himself of what he's going to say. He's been practising in front of the mirror ever since this appointment was arranged, making sure to breathe between sentences and keep his calm, measured look on his face. Thankfully, Porrim was understanding and even helped him practise answering questions. He's fully prepared now, he sure of it, and he sorts his pens on the desk to keep his hands busy. 

There's a knock on the door before it's pushed open. Kankri checks the clock on his desk. Cronus Ampora is five minutes early. 

"You can come in." He says and he stands.

When Cronus Ampora slinks in, it takes a moment for Kankri to place him. He's no longer wearing his stupid leather jacket, even though it's the height of winter, and is instead just wearing a white t-shirt over his jeans. Up close, he doesn't look as frightening but he still towers over Kankri. Forcing himself to smile, Kankri leans over the desk to shake his hand and gestures for him to take a seat. He can't bring himself to speak yet. 

Because Cronus Ampora is the guy from the mall. 

Much to his disgust, Cronus's hand is absolutely filthy. Not only is it covered in dirt and a black substance that he doesn't want to know the origin of, it's also reasonably sticky. His skin is tinged a sickly yellow colour, as are his nails, a sure sign of a long-term smoker. Kankri is sure that his hands aren't any more pleasant, since they're clammy and sweaty, but he hopes that Cronus doesn't notice. Kankri isn't subtle about drawing a tissue out and cleaning his hand off as soon as Cronus lets go of his hand, clearing his throat pointedly. 

"Hello." He manages, though his heart is pounding so hard that it hurts, "Cronus?" He ruffles through his notes just so that he has something to do, "Eridan doesn't talk about you very much, forgive me for being surprised. I apologise, you just... You... You don't look anything like him." 

Cronus leans back in his chair, a lazy smirk on his face. "It's cool, chief. I get told that a lot." 

There's very few similarities between them: Cronus is quite tall where Eridan is short. His hair is shorter, black- dyed, Kankri deduces- and not ginger like Eridan's. He hasn't got the freckles or the bright purple clothes or the chubby frame. No, Cronus is quite muscular. The only likeliness that Kankri can spot is the sharp blue eyes. Those are Ampora eyes, alright. 

"Um, yes, uh, so." Kankri says, very professionally, "So, I'm Kankri. Kankri Vantas. I'm a therapist, your brother's therapist specifically, and I'm here to answer any questions that you may have about him or his progress." 

Luckily, Cronus seems to have enough questions to fill the hour and asks the basics. It's hardly any different from speaking to a concerned parent of a client, except that Cronus is a lot more attractive and a lot more of a dick. Kankri is sure that the man intentionally knocking his knee against him under the table. 

Everything that Cronus asks, Kankri has already practised with Porrim and he fires back answers instantly, glad that he's stopped sweating. Still, a few times he has to rub his forehead and brush a hand through his hair, feeling suddenly self-conscious. He must look like such a hot mess. It's unusual for him to get this flustered just over a meeting but somehow, this feels different. Maybe it's the way that those eyes are focused on him, bearing a hole into him. 

Everything about him feels wrong and stupid under Cronus's watchful gaze. 

He can't keep his eyes off the clock, carefully counting down the minutes until he can send Cronus out of here. All he can think about is how this man driven him to a panic attack a few weeks ago and he chews his lower lip. Still, he's pleased that despite his faults, Cronus does seem to care somewhat about his younger brother. He speaks very fondly of him, which Kankri finds kind of... Cute? No, he can't find Cronus cute. That would be gross. 

"He's a good kid, y'knovw?" Cronus tells him, swinging on his chair, "Our Dan."

"I agree." Kankri says, glancing at the clock, "He's wonderful to work with, I assure you." 

"It's just upsettin' to find out your brother is hawvin' trouble." Cronus explains, "And that he didn't vwanna tell you." 

Kankri thinks about his brother and a wave of guilt washes over him. "I understand."

Cronus frowns. "Kan, do you hawve a br-" 

"I think our time is up." Kankri says, quickly, "If you'd like to talk to the receptionist, I'm sure that they have some leaflets about anxiety disorders. You can pick some up there. You understand, to learn more about Eridan." 

"Sure." Cronus gets up, brushing himself off, "Thanks for your help, Kanny." 

"Kankri." He corrects automatically. Only Porrim is allowed to use nicknames and even then, he's reluctant about it. 

"Kankri." Cronus nods; he gets about halfway to the door before he turns back, "Before I go, I don't suppose that you get off soon, dollface?" 

Kankri flushes. "I just told you to call me Kankri." 

"Sure, sure." The other man runs a hand through his hair, brushing back the one strand of hair that kept falling out of place. Kankri can't pretend that he hasn't noticed the single hair that falls across Cronus's forehead, refusing to be greased back. At one point, he'd even found himself staring at it and wanted to lean across to comb it back himself. "I mean, if you're free then vwe could catch a mowvie or get a drink or screvw each other until vwe can't vwalk?" 

All the heat in his body seems to be flooding to his face. Any of the good things that he thought about Cronus seem to disappear into thin air. God, Kankri can't believe he nearly fell for the bad guy act. How incredibly naïve of him. 

"Cronus, that's disgusting." 

"I don't knovw, I think it'd be pretty hot." He winks. He actually winks. 

The look on his face is reminiscent of how he'd look at Kankri a few weeks ago, back at the mall, and it's enough to make the smaller man shudder. Quick as anything, Kankri makes sure to step as far back as he can. In his mind's eye, Cronus's face seems to twist and distort into the leer of his father. Kankri steps back further until his back hits the wall. Curiously, Cronus is still staring at him. His expression is harder to read now, a little less smug and a little more... Concerned, maybe? No, that can't be it. Puzzled, maybe. 

"Get out." Kankri says, sharply. 

"Vwhat?" Cronus looks confused. 

"I said: _get out_." 

"I vwas kiddin'-" 

"GET OUT!" 

That's when Cronus Ampora slinks back out, looking a mix of confused and disappointed. He only glances back once, to give him a sad look, and Kankri scowls at him. 

Honestly, Kankri couldn't give a fuck what Cronus feels. 

When they were about twelve or thirteen, Porrim had explained to him the idea of chastity and he'd liked the concept of it; not having any sexual intercourse prior to marriage seemed right to him, to save oneself for their partner for life only. 

He didn't want anybody to fall in love with him just to fuck him and leave. What he wanted was long-term, commitment, and most importantly, love. That was why he was so set on the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex. Once he'd made that decision, he'd never gone back on it, even though a lot of people told him that he just needed to meet the right person. It wasn't like that. He was simply going to abstain until marriage. He'd vowed it and he never went back on his vows, intent on staying a virgin until he met The One. 

That was why the idea of Cronus Ampora coming onto him that fast had bordered on being frightening. Kankri had never had that kind of attention before and honestly, he didn't really want it. Maybe if Cronus had stopped at catching a movie, Kankri might have agreed to go with him. But he did not drink- just the smell of alcohol made him feel woozy and sick- and he did have sex with strangers; those just weren't things that he believed to be right or moral. 

But, he thinks as he sits down with a thump in his desk chair, what frustrated him the most was that Cronus Ampora didn't seem to think what he was saying was wrong. Just as Kankri suspected, the man was a sleazy douchebag just like Kankri's father. God, his father had never brought women home with him but he'd always come home smelling of them. He smelt of women and drink and of sex in public bathrooms. That was how Kankri knew that he had to hide, when he smelt that smell and heard the roar of his voice. God, God, God, God. Just thinking about it now gets him riled up and he breathes heavily, shifting uneasily in his seat. 

"Brother, I heard yelling. Are you okay?" Kurloz enters without knocking; when he doesn't respond, the man moves closer, "Kankri? Don't breathe so fast, you're gonna knock yourself out doing that." 

"I'm fine, it's fine, he just, I just." Kankri stumbles over his words, "Cronus fucking Ampora..." 

Kurloz doesn't look surprised. "Have you got any more appointments today, brother? You can just nod or shake your head, you don't have to say anything." 

Kankri shakes his head and chews on his bottom lip.

"Good." Kurloz pulls at his cell phone and begins dialling.

"What are you doing?" It comes out a little more frantic than Kankri intends. 

"I'm calling Maryam so that she can all up and come and pick you up." 

"Please don't call her. I don't want her to know." But his voice comes out as a quiet whimper, much too late. He doesn't want Porrim to know that, for whatever reason, everything he's worked for has began to crumble away. The anxiety that he thought he'd pushed away, the loneliness he thought he didn't feel anymore, the God awful panic attacks that he thought wouldn't happen anymore. Everything he's worked for and he's lost all of it. 

He feels like a failure. 

Much to his despair, Kurloz has already started talking, words that sound like the buzzing of bees to him. He just focuses on taking deep breaths, waiting for the room to stop spinning. He hates Cronus Ampora so goddamn much. He's never known anybody that managed to crawl under his skin that easily and make him squirm. 

Shaking his head, he makes sure to push all thoughts of that man out of his mind. Finally, everything seems to clear in his mind and he's just left listening to his heart beating in his chest, breathing a little steadier. Seeing Kurloz is still on the phone, he gets to work sliding everything into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. 

When Kurloz hangs up, he wraps an arm around Kankri and guides him to the lobby. He sits him in one of the hideous plastic seats there and collapses beside him. All of these seats are uncomfortable, which Kankri thinks is impractical for a place such as this. Shouldn't they try to make you feel comfortable in a place like this? Kankri rolls his eyes and glares at the positive affirmations stuck to the walls. God, he hates Cronus Ampora.

"You wanna talk about it?" Kurloz says, after a while, glancing at him. 

"That's the oldest trick in the book, Kurloz." Kankri says, feeling deflated. This close, he can note that Kurloz Makara's eyes are a bright shade of indigo. He doesn't understand how that's even possible but knowing Kurloz, he won't want to talk about it. He never wants to talk about anything and maybe that's why he gets along with Kankri so well. 

"Tell me about it anyway. As a brother." Kurloz nudges him. 

"Don't touch me." Kankri breathes; when Kurloz keeps staring at him curiously, he sighs and admits defeat, "Cronus Ampora asked me to have sex with him." 

Kurloz raises an eyebrow, as if to say _really?_. 

"He said it... As a joke. I think." He realises now, "You know, vwe could screvw, hahahaha." Kankri mocks the weird curve to Cronus's voice, rolling his tongue in his mouth, "So, I told him I thought it was disgusting. He said it sounded hot, so I told him to leave."

"And the yelling?" 

"He didn't leave, so I simply told him to leave. Slightly louder. It wasn't really yelling." Kankri says, "Besides, he upset me." When he says it out loud, the entire incident sounds slightly stupid. He wonders if he overreacted again, freaking out at something that wasn't there. Maybe Cronus didn't want to hurt him or anything like that, maybe he didn't know that Kankri was easily upset. Kankri doesn't say any of this out loud. 

Kurloz considers this. 

"He had no right to come onto me like that." Kankri says, trying to reason with himself as well as his friend. 

Kurloz pauses. "I'm not saying that what he was did was right-" 

"But?" Here it comes. 

"But I think you may have overreacted just a little. If he really was just kidding." Kurloz says, thinking it over; he speaks slowly and carefully, considering every word before he says it, and it gives his voice a gravelly kind of sound, "I don't think he intended to upset you. Cronus seems a little ignorant. Maybe you should have explained and given him a chance to apologise." 

"Maybe." Kankri sighs, "God, I hate Cronus Ampora."

"You only just met him." Kurloz points out, "I'd use 'dislike' until you get to know him a little better." 

"There will be no "getting to know him". I'm not talking to that _creep_ ever again." Kankri presses his fingers to his temples, "I mean, maybe I'm biased but he just..." 

He scares me, Kankri wants to say, I can't look at him without wanting to bolt. 

Kurloz stares. 

"He just reminds me of my father." Kankri admits, "And that scares me a lot."


	4. Winter Awakening

Due to unfortunate circumstances, Sollux Captor is currently staying at Kankri's apartment. He takes the couch and lies there, barely making a sound, in the deeps of a depression. He's not too much trouble but still, Kankri can't adjust to the idea of having somebody in his front room all the time. He has no idea how Eridan copes with it and is suddenly filled with pity for his client. However, he feels more pity for himself, since he's now stuck with Sollux instead. Kankri doesn't know if he should talk to him or just leave him to himself or whatever. 

But, whilst he can tolerate Sollux, Kurloz is also staying over to take care of his client. Why they couldn't do this in Kurloz's apartment, Kankri has no idea, but he wishes they had. 

Since Kankri doesn't have a guest room, when Kurloz moves in, they're forced to share a bed. Luckily, he has a double-bed, so it's not as intimate as it could be if he had a single one. And Kurloz doesn't make any attempt to cuddle with him or anything, staying firmly on his side of the bed. However, he really can't sleep with Kurloz snoring loudly next to him, huffing and puffing in his sleep. Not to mention that he steals most of the covers, leaving Kankri in the cold most nights. More often than not, Kankri ends up shivering his way through the night with a flashlight and a book, falling off the edge of the bed to keep his distance from Kurloz.

It's also awkward because of something that's been happening to Kankri lately. Recently, if he does happen to drop off to sleep, he'll have these dreams. They aren't nightmares, like he's used to, but most of them seem to involve Cronus Ampora and kissing. Which is strange because Kankri doesn't even know how to kiss, not properly, but he manages to dream about it enough. A lot of the time, he wakes up to find heat pooling in his groin and that's really awkward when one is sharing a bed with one's friend. It sounds stupid but wet dreams aren't really something he's experienced often prior but now, they occur almost every night. Luckily, Kurloz likes to sleep as much as he can, so Kankri just has to creep to the bathroom for a very cold shower. 

He knows that it's probably bad to have sexual dreams involving somebody that he barely even knows. He just hopes that this isn't a permanent thing because he's not sure how much longer he can suffer through wet dreams about a man that he thinks he hates. _He thinks_. 

But that's not the only bad thing about living with two other people in his apartment. For starters, he ends learning far too much about Kurloz. He supposes that it's his own fault for noticing that his friend can only eat cereal with milk put in first and that he folds towels incorrectly but still, he finds things like these irritating. He didn't need to know that Kurloz owned skull-patterned underwear! Kankri didn't need to know that! (And he only found out because Kurloz constantly leaves his underwear on the floor of the bathroom, which is gross). 

And he can't help but notice these things though, even when he deliberately tries not to. One night, he tries to ignore that Kurloz wash his coffee mug but can't deal with it. Thinking about it keeps him awake, knowing there's an unwashed mug in the kitchen. Kankri ends up getting up at one in the morning to wash it himself. He hates to admit it but he's a complete clean-freak and can't deal with people leaving everything out of place. Kurloz doesn't understand this. 

There's a third thing, though, and it's possibly the most annoying of them all. Kankri cannot escape neither Sollux nor Kurloz because they are in his apartment all the goddamn time. He's forced to spend time with them, even though he doesn't really want to. Not that he doesn't like them but he needs a break now and then! There's also a constant smell of cannabis and smoke hanging around now because no matter how hard he tries, Kurloz doesn't seem to be able to quit. Honestly, Kankri finds it disgusting. 

He's also quite paranoid that Kurloz will burst in on him when he's in the shower or something, which means that he has to check the bathroom door is locked several times before he can relax. 

During the days, Eridan visits and spends time with his boyfriend on the couch. Dear, sweet Eridan is a relief from these slobs because he isn't scared to hiss at Kurloz to tidy the TV remote away. Whenever he comes round, he makes a point of trying some of the mess away. Kankri finds this helps him through the days but Eridan can't stay during the night. God, how he wishes that man could stay all the time, instead of Kurloz and Sollux. 

Kankri hates the nights even more than he did before.

Tonight, Kurloz has stolen all the covers and pulled them to his side of the bed. Sitting there in his pyjama pants (the ones with the crabs printed on them) and a long-sleeved t-shirt, Kankri is freezing to death. Not to mention that the other therapist's loud breathing is rattling and irritating, getting on his last nerve. Even when Kankri presses his hands over his ears, he can still hear it and it's driving him a little insane. 

Alongside that, he's bored and there's nothing to distract him, since he doesn't want to wake Kurloz up by switching the light on. He can't sit in the front room, because Sollux has the couch to himself and probably doesn't want to be bothered. He doesn't want to hang around the kitchen because it will be even colder in there than it is in here. The bathroom is his last choice but there's a chance that Kurloz will wake up to use it and demand to know why Kankri is sleeping in the bathtub. That's a conversation that he doesn't want to have. 

He tries texting Porrim for something to do but she doesn't reply, which means she's either asleep or out at work. Since she's a doctor, specialising in psychology but qualified in other things too, she sometimes ends up working the weirdest hours at the hospital. It often means that she's tired and annoyed, so Kankri decides not to bother her further. He doesn't want her to get angry at him for texting her so late at night. 

He takes out his flashlight and tries to read some of _The Great Gatsby_ , which is a little trickier than his usual reading but still enjoyable. However, tonight, he finds that he can't focus on it and that he's been reading the same page for about fifteen minutes now. It's impossible to read when there's a headache throbbing behind his eyes, like a migraine but not as painful. It's more bothersome than painful, honestly. With a sigh, he gives up on his book, bookmarks the page, and slips out of bed, careful not to disturb Kurloz. 

He's worked out where the squeakier floorboards are and does well to avoid them, making it to the kitchen without waking anybody up. As predicted, the kitchen is cold, so he doesn't stop there and grabs his keys from the hook on the wall. Knowing that he's just going to rush to the car, he doesn't bother with pulling a coat on. He just pulls his shoes on before opening the side door and letting himself out of the building. 

Outside, it's literally freezing, since the ground is coated with a thick layer of snow, so he's quick to hurry around to the front of the apartment block. He has to take the fire stairs, which he nearly falls headfirst down about ten times, until he reaches the ground. By that point, he really wishes that he'd taken a few moments to pull on a sweater, at the very least. Then, Kankri has to walk around to where his car is parked. By the time he climbs in, he's shaking and can't stop, positively turning blue with the cold. He wonders if it's frostbite and if he's going to die. 

There's nothing in his car to keep him warm, since he likes to keep it clean and empty, which is a little disappointing but he turns it on, blasting the heat as high as he can. Hopefully, he'll be warm again reasonably soon. Kankri wipes the snow from his feet using his hands and waits for his body to adjust to the shift in temperature. He doesn't know how long he sits there, trying to stop shivering, because he left his phone back in his apartment and has no way of telling. 

Once he's stopped shaking enough to be able to drive, he sets off at a slow and sensible pace, since the road is quite icy and difficult to drive on. For the first time, he actually does wish that Porrim was driving because he feels insecure about the ice on the roads. He makes a note to write to the local newspaper and complain that there's no salt on the roads yet. Somebody could have an accident out here! 

Kankri doesn't know exactly where he's intending to go but he wants to get far away from his apartment, just for a little while. He hasn't left it in weeks, except to attend appointments and buy groceries. And just for once, he needs five minutes to himself, without worrying about bothering anybody else. He just has to make sure that he's home before Kurloz wakes up, so that he doesn't worry him. Kurloz sleeps in late, so he has plenty of time. Eventually, Kankri decides to park the car on the side of a street, slides down in his seat, and closes his eyes. 

For once, he doesn't dream about Cronus, which is a relief, at least. 

Instead, he finds himself thinking back to high school and a girl named Latula Pyrope. She was the prettiest girl in their entire high school, second only to Porrim (maybe). She had (and still has) this beautiful dark skin that reminds Kankri of hot chocolate and she smelt a little like it too- during the winter, at least. During the summer, she smelt a lot more like a strawberry bubble gum and he can remember that she was always chewing it, flicking it at people that she didn't like. She didn't smoke, which he loved then, because most girls in their grade did because it was the cool thing to do. Instead, she chewed gum. 

Latula was (is) incredibly cool, wearing her hair in these little braids that everybody else seemed to envy, and always dressed in bright colours that clashed horribly but also worked together so well. She was always carrying a skateboard around with her, always wearing shorts and pants instead of skirts, and she stuck out amongst crowds of girls. They all looked the same and she was entirely different. She was always pretty nice to people too and was pretty popular, though she always complained that it wasn't enough. The only uncool thing about her was that she had to wear glasses, which was another thing that she constantly complained about. She said they made her look like a total nerd- Kankri didn't think so, however. 

Sometimes, she invited Kankri to join her at the arcade or back at her house to play video games. She was always very good at them but he kind of sucked but that was okay because it made her laugh and slap him on the back. Sometimes, he was allowed to join her at the weekends for trips to the mall or to her favourite comic book store, which was quite a long way away. He didn't mind, savouring the bus trip and the ten-minute walk as a chance to impress her. Since Latula always laughed and smiled at whatever he said, he'd thought that she liked him. 

However, when he had confessed about his crush on her, during a reckless game of truth or dare, she'd just stared at him in surprise. Her eyes were wide behind her red-rim glasses. She hadn't said a word, simply shaking her head and laughing nervously, suggesting that the game end there. Things had been awkward, not just then but for years afterward. Sure, they'd spoken but she'd never met his eyes again and never smiled when he talked. He got the impression that he'd ruined things between them and eventually, he'd just decided to leave her alone. Latula had a boyfriend anyway, so he'd been wrong to approach in the first place. God, he'd been an idiot in high school. He's still an idiot for being hung up on her. 

Anyway, he dreams about her and how pretty her brown eyes were and how much he'd always longed to play with her braids, running his fingers through them. It's not a sexual dream, it's a bittersweet, sad one and when he wakes up- suddenly- he's quick to check his eyes for tears. God, he misses what could have been. When he's pushed all thoughts of Latula away, he's left to wonder why he woke up so suddenly. 

He realises quickly that he was woken by the loud sound of somebody hammering on the window, which makes him jolt back and forget how to breathe for a moment. It's as if all the air has suddenly been sucked from his lungs. Scowling, he realises that it's only Cronus Ampora knocking on his window. Where did he come from? He could recognise those stupid ocean blue eyes anywhere, much to his annoyance. After Cronus gestures for him to do so, he rolls the window down.

"Are you here to see Dan? Bit early for a wvisit, ain't it?" Cronus says, before he can get a single word in, "I can go vwake him up for you." 

Kankri blinks, wondering if he's still dreaming. "What?" 

What the hell is Cronus even doing here? 

"Eridan, y'knovw. He's still sleepin' but if it's an emergency, I'll go get 'em." Cronus says; he peers at Kankri for a few moment, screwing his eyes up, "You didn't come here lookin' for him, did ya? You vwere sleepin', vweren't ya? I savw you pull up and thought I'd come dovwn to... I don't knovw, inwvite you in. Plus, I needed to come out for a smoke anyvway." 

Slowly, the pieces begin to fit together. "Is this your block?" He sits up straighter, peering past Cronus, out of the window. He's never seen where Eridan/Sollux live before and he wonders if it's as... Run-down, as Eridan described it. Everything looks grey in the dim morning light. 

"Vwell, not mine. I'm stayin' vwith Dan and his boyfriend in that apartment." Cronus points out, "Are you okay, chief? You don't look too good. Don't puke on me or anythin', dry cleanin' ain't exactly cheap." 

For some reason, that makes Kankri laugh; he covers his mouth quickly to stifle it. "I'm not ill, Cronus. I am simply... Having a few moments to myself. I didn't-"

"Hang on, kitten." 

"Kankri." 

"Right, Kanny." Cronus leans over so that he can look through the window properly. There's an unlit cigarette held between his teeth, dangling from the corner of his mouth, muffling his words just a little. "Before you say anythin' else, I ovwe you an apology. I think I upset ya the other day. I vwas just messin', I didn't mean no harm." 

Kankri considers. "Okay. Your apology is accepted. I also apologise because I fear that I may have overreacted a little. You just... got under my skin a little." He decides to explain a little more, like Kurloz advises, "I don't believe in sexual intercourse prior to marriage. Nor do I believe in smoking, can you please put that cancer stick away?" 

Wordlessly, Cronus takes the cigarette from his mouth and tucks it into the pocket of his jacket. 

"Regardless, you're letting the cold in." Kankri says, curtly, "Would you like to get into the car? You have to keep your hands to yourself and you aren't allowed to talk about anything perverse." He unlocks the car doors and gestures to the passenger seat. Cronus grins at him- he doesn't smirk, he actually grins and it's not leery, it's kind of cute and triumphant- and walks around the car. He flings open the door and sits down, slamming it shut loud enough to make Kankri wince. 

"Thanks. I vwas gettin' kinda cold standin' out there." Cronus tries to put his feet up on the dashboard but Kankri gives him a hard look, so he doesn't dare, "Sorry." 

Kankri doesn't say anything and sits up straighter in his seat, making sure not to slouch. Recently, he's been working more on his posture, since Porrim says his is terrible. She's instructed him carefully on how to sit like this with his legs together and his back straight. It isn't comfortable but makes him feel taller. Most of the time that is, not when he's sat next to Cronus Ampora. 

He can't help but wonder how tall Cronus is, since he seems to tower over himself. Kankri estimates that he, at full height, probably only just reaches his shoulders. If they were to kiss, (why is he thinking about this?), he'd most likely have to stand on tip-toe to even be able to reach high enough. Or he'd have to stand on a step-stool, which would be rather humiliating. But he supposes, and this is purely hypothetical of course, that he is the exact right height to be able to hug Cronus just like they do in the movies. Somehow, this is a comforting thought. He is quick to push it away, shifting in his seat and clearing his throat. 

He's about to speak but Cronus beats him to the post for the second time. 

"So, babe, tell me about yourself." He says it as if they're on a date or something. Are they on a date? This can't count as a date surely. 

"Don't call me that." Kankri says, sharply, "And you have to go first." 

"Nah, chief, I asked you first." 

"I'm not meant to share details of my personal life with clients." Kankri shrugs, though really it's because he has nothing to say. He's not exactly the most interesting person, being kind of uptight and dull. Plus, he's learnt that he often over-talks and it puts people off. He isn't sure that he wants to push Cronus away just yet. "It's unprofessional. I could be fired for it." 

Cronus rolls his eyes. "I'm not your client, Kan. My bro is. I'm just a pal of yours, 'ey? 'Sides, I vwant to get to knovw you. Can't ya at least tell me your fawvourite colour or somethin'? That's hardly information about ya personal life." 

"Red. My favourite colour is red." Kankri says, before squinting at him, looking a little closer, "Are you always dressed up this early in the morning?" He eyes Cronus's hole-less jeans and jacket. Somehow, he's even found time to grease his hair back, though not very well. It's messy looking at the front. Kankri's fingers twitch, wanting to straighten it out. 

"Might'wve put some special effort in for you, svweetcheeks." Cronus winks. 

"You really can't help yourself, can you?" Kankri sighs, "You can't stop yourself flirting, can you? It just comes naturally to you. Probably because you didn't receive enough attention whilst you were growing up or something similar. And now, you crave the attention of others to make up for your parents never loving you." 

"Pretty much, chief." Cronus chuckles but he sounds a little sad about it, (Kankri wonders if he's hit the nail on the head), "Do you alvways sit outside people's apartments at six in the mornin'? Is that a quirky habit o' yours?" 

Kankri laughs. "No, this is a first for me. Eridan probably already told you but I've got people staying in my apartment and I had to get out of there. Just for a little while. I'm not very good with people, as you may have guessed. I can't cope with people for extended periods of time." 

Cronus pauses before he grins and leans in, careful not to get too close. "You're really beautiful vwhen you laugh, chief. And I ain't tryin' to come onto ya this time, I'm just tellin' ya hovw it is." He doesn't try to kiss Kankri or touch him or anything but he just stays there, close but not too close. Comfortable. 

"Well, thank you." Kankri says. He's never thought of himself as particularly attractive but that's not to say that he's ever called himself ugly. Sure, he is daily frustrated that he can't flatten his curls and that he's freckled in awkward places but he's not ugly. He knows that. 

"So, vwhere are you from?" 

"I..." For the first time, Kankri falters, "Nowhere. I'm just... From nowhere. I don't want to talk about it. I live here now." 

Cronus just frowns at him. 

"But my parents were from Dominican Republic. That's in the Caribbean." Kankri informs him, "It's a Spanish speaking-country. Most people there are mixed-race but, uh, I'm not. I'm rambling again, I'm sorry, you don't need to know any of this." He flushes, biting down on his lower lip to shut himself up. But at least they're off the subject of where he's from. 

"'Ey, it's cool, chief. So, you vwere speakin' Spanish?" 

"What?"

"I don't knovw if anybody's ewver told you this, chief, but... You remember vwhen I met you to talk about Dan?" Kankri nods; how could he forget? "Vwell, you said a lot of vwords- probably Spanish ones- and honestly, you lost me a little." 

"I do that when I'm nervous." Kankri shifts, "I apologise." 

"Nah, it vwas pretty fuckin' cute." Cronus assures him, "See, you're tellin' me about yourself." 

Sitting up straight abruptly, Kankri realises that's been tricked into talking about himself and giving Cronus a truckload of information that he probably didn't need. He brings his feet up onto the seat and crosses his legs, suddenly aware that he's sitting next to this beautiful guy and yet, he's still wearing his stupid crab pyjamas. There's a hole in the left leg and he picks at it with his index finger, unsure of what to say. Eventually, he decides on: 

"You've got to tell me about you now, otherwise it isn't fair." Kankri says. 

"Life isn't fair, chief." Cronus tells him, "But since you're so cute, vwhat do you vwant to know?" 

Kankri thinks for a moment, not wanting to ask anything too strange. "Your birthday?" 

"It's February 14th. Vwhy, are you plannin' on checkin' my horoscope?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Porrim will want to. She likes to check everybody's." Kankri says, before quickly clarifying, "That's my best friend, not my girlfriend or anything like that. She is most definitely not my girlfriend, I am definitely single. Not that you need to know that or anything. Just forget it." 

"I getcha, Kanny." Cronus brings his feet up to rest on the dashboard but this time, Kankri doesn't bother scolding him, "Hey, you vwanna go and get Denny's?"

"What?" 

"Come on, Kanny, you must knovw Denny's." There's a mess of hair falling onto Cronus's forehead now, more and more of it escaping the gel and flopping there. Now, Kankri can get a better of what his hair really looks like. He reckons that Cronus's hair is curly, like his own, but less so. It's probably longer too. He probably grew it out when he was younger, Kankri thinks, during some kind of rebellious phase. Cronus probably had a lot of rebellious phases. 

"No, I know what Denny's is. I just don't understand why you want to go and get food with me this early in the morning. After all, we barely know each other. I just know that you're not as scary as I originally thought you were." Kankri tucks a curl back behind his ear, unable to break his gaze from the other man; those bright eyes have completely sucked him in, "Are you trying to ask me on a date, Cronus?" 

"I guess so, yeah." He shrugs, looking slightly sheepish, "Is it vworkin'?" 

"..... Yes." Kankri admits, "But I'm in my pyjamas. And I have to get back home before anybody sends out a search party to look for me. I can't get breakfast with you, right now." 

"So... I'll just giwve you my number then." Cronus rummages in his jacket pocket until he finds what looks like a crumpled napkin and a broken pencil. He leans against the dashboard, his eyebrows pulling together as he writes, like he's struggling to remember. The whole time, Kankri can just feel his face heating up like a total idiot and hopes that his blushing isn't too visible. When Cronus hands the napkin to him, he tries to thank him or say he'll call or something, but a strangled noise comes out instead. He clears his throat. 

"Call me or somethin'. Vwe can go on a date sometime." Cronus nods to him, pauses like he wants to say something, and then lets himself out of the car. He doesn't slam the door as hard when he gets out. Kankri watches him walk around the car and head back towards the apartment building that he pointed out. In fact, he watches until Cronus enters the building, shutting the door behind him, before directing his attention to the number in his hand. 

He wonders how soon is too soon to call somebody and resolves to ask Porrim, putting the car back into drive and heading towards her house. And he sends a message to Kurloz, explaining that he's out visiting a friend but that he'll be back within a few hours, if she doesn't trap him there. There's a good chance that Porrim will trap him and demand to know exactly how he feels about Cronus. There's also a good chance that she'll try to set them up on a date.

Kankri just hopes that his best friend can give him some good advice because he has no idea what the hell he's doing.


	5. Falling Slowly

For days, weeks even, Kankri has been considering what he's going to tell Eridan. 

Going behind his back like this, flirting (was it flirting?) with his older brother without even telling Eridan that he liked Cronus, just didn't seem right. Still, his guilty conscious didn't stop him from sneaking out, just like he used to do in high school, to meet with Cronus. They normally met after dark, since Kankri didn't like having to tell anybody where he was going- he knew that he was a terrible liar. So, he'd sneak out at night and head to their meeting place on the corner of the street. Cronus always met him there and he always grinned at him. 

That was a really nice feeling for Kankri, to know that he was enough to make Cronus grin at him. That he was more than enough. 

For the first few nights, they greeted each other just like that, just looking at each other. Grinning at each other. One time, Cronus had tried to lean in and kiss Kankri on the cheek or the nose or wherever, but he'd firmly told him no. Kankri told him that he had to wait and though he complained, Cronus complied and didn't try to plant a kiss on him again. 

The next night, Kankri had made it up to him by hurrying to him, skidding a little on the ice, and throwing his arms around him. It had taken all his confidence to do this and for a moment, he wondered if it was the wrong thing to do without asking. Then, Cronus had wrapped his arms back around him. 

Hugging Cronus had been just as pleasant as he'd imagined it. 

Everything about him seems to be unnaturally soft for somebody that makes a big show of acting tough. His t-shirt is a soft cotton and even his jacket is a nice kind of leather, not the cheap, rough kind but the fancy expensive kind. And he is exactly the right height for Kankri to hug, since he gets to press his face against his chest comfortably. Once Cronus has realised what's happening and slid his arms around him, it turns out that he's good at hugging. Maybe because he holds Kankri tightly enough for him to feel wanted but not too tight so that he feels crushed. It was a shame that he smelt absolutely awful, like cologne and nicotine, because otherwise it would have been perfect. 

When he'd pulled back, Kankri hadn't been able to stop beaming. Something inside of him seemed to snap and he had smiled for the rest of the night. And since then, they'd hugged instead of just saying hi- somehow, physical contact was a better greeting than that. It makes Kankri think about if he could feel okay with kissing Cronus at some point in the future. He really thinks that he could do it, one day. Just not anytime soon. 

Things get a lot more intimate after that and Cronus starts slinging one of his arms around Kankri as they walk, pulling him in so that he can squeeze him. And sometimes, on the rare nights that they enter Cronus's/Eridan's/Sollux's apartment (they have to be quiet so that they don't wake Eridan), they'll watch a movie and Cronus will hold him then too. Once, he even pulled Kankri onto his lap and held him there, toying with his curls. To his surprise, Kankri had actually quite enjoyed the intimacy of the moment and relaxed against him easily. 

Maybe he's not so bad at the whole "intimacy" thing after all. 

Most nights, they don't risk going to either apartment and just walk around the city instead, talking quietly. And as much as Kankri hates, hates, hates the dark, he doesn't say a word about it and just makes sure that he sticks close to Cronus. It's one such night that they're walking and Kankri is paranoid as ever, constantly glancing back, that Cronus suddenly takes his hand. It makes him jump at first but then, he looks down and sees their hands intertwined. Cronus's hand is filthy as ever and it's cold too but something about is reassuring. His hand is large enough to completely trap Kankri's in it. 

"You're clammy, chief, you nerwvous?" Cronus frowns at him, since he can apparently read him that well by now. Maybe it's because Kankri's default emotions are nervous and/or offended. 

"A little, I suppose." Kankri replies, casual as he could manage. 

"Don't be." Cronus told him, "I'wve got you." 

"I know that. Thank you, Cronus." Kankri squeezes his hand. 

Aside from their nightly meetings, Kankri reveals his habit as a frequent texter and has started texting Cronus throughout the daytime. As long as he could be sure that nobody can read over his shoulder, he's texting him long messages about whatever comes to mind. It really isn't that much different from texting Porrim, though Cronus could certainly be a lot more lewd. Kankri came to tolerate it, even indulging him a little by teasing, though he never let it go too far. He'd never let it go too far. 

A few times, he's been startled by the appearance of Kurloz behind him, but he's still managed to keep his messages hidden. He's worked out perfectly how to slam his phone down on the table so that it doesn't look too obvious. Still, the other therapist eyes him suspiciously, knowing that something's up. More than once, Kurloz asks if there's anything that Kankri wants to talk to him about and makes it very clear that he'll help him if something's up. Kankri almost wants to laugh because something is very much up and it's his spirits. 

Cronus makes him feel very happy. He thinks it might be the same vice versa but he can't be sure. Like Kankri, Cronus doesn't really seem to like talking about his feelings. Or much about himself in general, which is rather curious. But still, he grins at Kankri when he talks, just like Latula used to. That's enough to fill his heart with happiness. 

And still, neither of them had told Eridan anything. Nothing about their secret meetings, nothing about them... Dating? (Porrim calls it dating and much to Kankri's chargrin, thinks Cronus is his boyfriend. Every time she refers to him like that- "are you seeing your boyfriend tonight, Kanny?"- it makes his face feel very hot but he's not entirely sure that it's a bad thing. In fact, he think it might be kind of a good thing. Especially since it warms his chest considerably.) 

No, Eridan doesn't have a clue about any of it. 

How on earth does one tell somebody, a client nonetheless, that one likes their older brother significantly? _"Hey, I have a massive crush on your older brother and want to go on a date with him, is that okay?"_ Just doesn't seem like the right thing to open with. Kankri doesn't believe that going behind Eridan's back is right but he also doesn't seem to be able to find the words to tell him anything. He especially doesn't want Cronus to tell him, because God knows what that idiot would come out with. There just isn't a right way to say any of this. 

There also never seems to be an appropriate time to talk to Eridan about it either. Kankri is determined to wait for the right time but when exactly is the right time? Is he blowing the entire affair out of proportion? Perhaps. Cronus said not to worry about it after all. But Kankri would feel a lot better knowing that he could be open with everybody, since he's a terrible liar. He also gets very paranoid that people will see right through his lies and it makes him feel anxious. 

Now or never, he decides, since he has agreed to drive Eridan to the mall this afternoon. There is nobody else in the car with them and surely, no better time to tell him than now, with nobody to overhear. He summons up all his courage, licks his lips, and speaks. His voice is barely above a whisper: 

"Eridan?" 

"Mhm?" Eridan glances at him from the passenger seat but still, Kankri doesn't dare look at him. He knows if he looks at him, then he's going to clam up and he won't be able to go through with this. Instead, he focuses his gaze on the road ahead. 

Kankri takes a breath. "You love Sollux, correct?" 

"Yup." 

Kankri shifts in his seat, uneasy about what to say, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. His knuckles almost turn white, he's holding it so tight. His eyes are focused straight ahead, on the road, as he speaks. He can't let himself look at him, he just can't let himself. 

"When did you realise that you loved him?" He blurts it out before he can think about what he's saying. He supposes that it's a question that's been at the back of his mind for a while now. In movies and novels, people always seem to fall in love at first sight or second sight or whatever. But Cronus... This thing with Cronus... It's not like that. Kankri thinks he likes him, a lot, but what does he know? The only person he ever liked rejected him. All Kankri knows about love is from books and those magazines Porrim leaves in his apartment. 

"Kankri, havve ya met someone?" He can feel Eridan looking at him. 

How did he guess so easily? Oh god, does he already know? Does everybody know? Porrim has always said that Kankri is a complete open book, to her at least, and that she can nearly always tell exactly what he's thinking. She might be right because she often seems to know exactly what he's going to say before he even says it. Either he's really easy to read or he's just incredibly predictable. Honestly, if it has to be one of those reasons, he hopes its the latter. He'd hate for everybody to be able to know what he was thinking. (Or maybe Porrim's a mind-reader, which is an idea that he's toyed with for years. He wouldn't be surprised). 

"Maybe." Kankri can feel his face turning hot and he adjusts his grip on the wheel, since his hands are clammy and gross. He doesn't want to talk anymore. This is embarrassing. 

"Ooh, a girl?" Eridan leans forward, eagerly. 

"Eridan-" 

"A boy?" Shit, he's obviously onto him. Oh god, shut up, shut up, _shut up_ \- 

"Eridan, please-" Kankri says, desperately, suddenly regretting telling him anything at all. 

"Someone in between?" 

"Eridan!" Kankri yells and it makes Eridan jolt back in surprise, "I am not having this discussion with you. Please be quiet." 

His heart is pounding in his chest and he can't believe that he just screamed at Eridan like that, when the kid was just curious. He pulls into the parking lot and parks the car, before leaning forward and resting his head on steering wheel. Kankri doesn't know what came over him then but it felt as if... He didn't know, as if he was being pushed. As if Eridan was trying to intrude. And he knows that he wasn't but it's the same thing as when Cronus asked where he was from, something inside of him just snapped. He struggles to talk about his personal business with other people, though he didn't know why. Something about it is just... Triggering. 

"I didn't mean to upset ya, Kan." When he lifts his head up, Eridan is staring at him in bewilderment. He looks as if he wants to say something else but Kankri doesn't want to discuss Cronus or whatever the hell just happened. His heart is still fluttering. Maybe he's dying. He should really Google this heart-fluttering to make sure he's not contracted some sort of condition. 

"I am not having this discussion." Kankri repeats, feeling breathless, and he kicks the door open, climbing out and moving around to open the door for Eridan. The man looks a little hurt but follows him into the mall. They walk together, careful to stand far enough apart that they don't look like friends, because they're not. Surely, they could never be friends. Kankri couldn't be friends with his client, that would be unprofessional. Though, his relationship with Eridan is far from professional right now. 

_"If you and Cronus got together, Eridan would be your brother-in-law."_ Porrim had mused, when he'd tried to explain what was going on. 

Kankri feels sick. 

"Where to first?" Kankri says, as they come to a stop, swallowing. 

He's been to the mall very few times throughout his life, since his dad had always liked him to be home by five and the mall was too far away to make it home in time. His dad also didn't like him to be "loitering" anywhere, which Kankri supposed included shopping. Since leaving home, Kankri had subconsciously stuck to these rules up until a while ago. Porrim had encouraged him to come to the mall with her once or twice, so that she could buy him some "better" clothes, (she didn't approve of his taste at all). He still hated it here, since it made him feel uneasy, as if he shouldn't be here. 

It's times like these that he truly hates his father. 

"You don't have to stay-" Eridan says, sensing his discomfort. Jeez, maybe he is an open book.

"I want to." He says, firmly, and lets Eridan leads him towards one of his favourite clothing stores. 

Eridan starts talking to fill the silence and Kankri goes with it, nodding along, as they enter the store. As much as he loves Eridan, he has very little interest in most of what he has to say. It normally concerns: clothes, Sollux, Feferi, or something similar. He rarely speaks very much about his brother, which is what Kankri would like to talk to him about. Regardless, he pretends to listen and occasionally "mhm-mm"s to make out that he's doing so. Really, he isn't interesting and pulling his phone from his pocket, to check for messages. True enough, there's two flashing on his screen and they read as follows:

From Cronus to Kankri:  
ey chief vwhere you at right now

From Cronus to Kankri:  
*where. sorry typo

Making sure that Eridan can't see his screen, he types out a message back. 

From Kankri to Cronus:  
Hello Cronus. How are you? As for my whereabouts, I am currently at the mall with your younger brother. He seems cheery today. What are you up to right now? Or should I say, "where you at"? Would that sound more appealing to you? 

Within seconds, Cronus fires back a response. 

From Cronus to Kankri:  
kanny babe, i'm glad you're with eri. the kid has mopin at home like you vwouldn't believe. and don't try to sound cool, it doesn't work. you are the nerd o the nerds after all. i'm at home. little bit tipsy that's vwhy there might be typos 

From Kankri to Cronus:  
It's only just afternoon, why are you already drinking? I fear for your health, Cronus. 

From Cronus to Kankri:  
calm it chief. i've only had a fevw drinks. and i'm allowed to drink because my parents don't love me and i can't even get the boy i like to call me the danny zuko to his sandy

From Kankri to Cronus:  
As sweet as that sounds, (note: sarcasm), I really don't like you drinking at all. Let alone, so very early in the day. Once we have tied things up here, I will come to the apartment with Eridan in tow and we'll have a... "Date"? Is that okay?

From Cronus to Kankri:  
i'm lookin forward to it gorgeous (note: no sarcasm) 

With that concluded, Kankri slips away his phone and looks up in time to see Eridan stumbling. He catches him by the arm, gripping him tightly, steadying him to make sure that he doesn't pass out. Judging by the laboured breathing and the shaking, Eridan is having a panic attack. Right here, right now, in the middle of the mall. Something about it is frightening to Kankri and he wonders if this is what he looks like to other people when he gets anxious. Does he shake like Eridan does? Does he pale like that? Does his breathing sound as rough and fast as that?

"Eridan, you need to take deep, steady breaths you hear?" Kankri instructs him, still holding him to make sure that he doesn't fall over. When Eridan doesn't answer, he decides to ask what to do. 

"What do you want me to do? Should I drive you home?" Still, there's no response of any kind. 

"Please snap out of it, you need to tell me what's wrong." 

Eridan crumples into his arms, falling into Kankri's arms and making him gasp. Knowing that he won't be able to hold him up very long, Kankri guides him to the nearest bench and pushes him down onto it. God, he wishes that Cronus was here. Because without his books and his notes to hide behind, Kankri is actually pretty shitty at coping at things like this. He can't handle his own panic attacks, let alone somebody else's. 

Because Eridan still looks like he might faint or vomit, (if he vomits, Kankri is going to freak completely), Kankri makes sure that he pushes his head between his legs. He tells him to take deep breaths and waits until Eridan's breathing steadies out just a little. Enough that he can tell the attack is coming to a quick close. Thank God. 

"Eridan, please, talk to me." Kankri still has a hand on his shoulder. 

"Take me home." Eridan chokes out, coughing and spluttering, "Kankri, I havve to see him. Take me home." 

"Are you sure? We didn't get here too long ago-" He doesn't understand what's triggered Eridan. He really, honestly doesn't understand. 

"Take me home, idiot!" Eridan insists, without further explanation. 

That's when Kankri's cell starts ringing and he pulls it out to look at it, rubbing Eridan's back with his other hand. He's expecting it to be Cronus, for some crazy reason, but he recognises the number as being Kurloz's instead. He answers and puts it to his ear, opening his mouth to say hello. 

"Wwhat's wwrong? Wwhat's wwrong wwith Sol?" Eridan cuts in quickly. 

Kankri frowns. 

"Hold on, Eridan, I'll ask." Kankri purses his lips, "Hello Kurloz. We were just about to head home, is there a problem?" 

"You have to give the phone to Eridan. It's important, brother. Sollux is missing." 

Wordlessly, Kankri just hands the phone to his client. He doesn't know what to say.


	6. Silent Night

Sollux Captor is missing.

That was the call that Kankri got from Kurloz several hours ago and the reason that he's now out trekking through the snow in the middle of the night. At first, he was looking with a panicked Eridan clinging to his arm but the kid had passed out earlier on, left with Kurloz until he felt well enough to come out again. Knowing that determined kid, it won't be too long. 

However, until he does return, Kankri has been left out on his own to look for stupid, stupid Sollux Captor. That kid can be such... Such a dumbass sometimes. But Kankri understands what it's like to need to find a way out. 

Sure, he'd never pulled any stupid stunts before but Kankri had spent many years of his childhood searching desperately for ways to escape. Unlike Sollux, he didn't try to end his life but he tried instead to occupy it, filling it with activities and clubs, so that he had very little time to worry about things. 

During high school, he'd captained the debate team and the chess team. He'd been deputy school president because he wasn't popular enough to be completely in charge. Kankri had been in science club, mathletes, and helped out in the library on Thursday afternoons. In other words, anything that he could fit in so that he could still race home by five. His dad didn't really care what the hell he was doing, as long as he was home by five. 

It was strange how wrong it feels to be out late at night. Being out anytime after five feels like some kind of rebellion, let alone being out this late at night alone. Kankri had never been one of those kids that snuck out at night to attend parties and get drunk. In fact, he thinks that he only snuck out one night in his entire life. And that was to hang out with Porrim, at her house. He'd got home at six and still gotten in trouble when he got home because it was one of those rare nights that his father had come home early. 

The thing was, however, that Kankri's father often got home very late. So, if Kankri had snuck out again, he probably would have never found out. He certainly never found out when Karkat had constantly snuck out to hang around with his friends. And still, Kankri had never done it. Porrim said it was because he was boring and a stickler for rules. 

Anyway, he didn't like being out this late at night. 

It's very cold out and he isn't making much progress on his own, kicking his way through the snow as he ambles down the street. Honestly, he's quite concerned that Sollux is missing but the kid always seems to come back in one piece. Plus, it sounds awful, but he doesn't want to be the one to find him. Especially if he is... Not-alive. He thinks that finding that would most likely scar him for life. 

"Kan!" A yell pulls him from his thoughts and he whips around, expecting to see Eridan standing there. He's pleasantly surprised to see that it is, in fact, the eldest of the Ampora brothers hurrying towards him. "You idiot, you're shakin'! You're gonna freeze to death out here like that!" 

"Huh?" Kankri looks down and Cronus is right, he's shaking, "Wait- what are you-" Before he can protest, his stupid not-boyfriend has taken his own jacket off and helps Kankri into it. It's really warm and he can't help but mumble contently. "Thank you, Cronus. But I was perfectly fine-"

"No, you vweren't." Cronus rolls his eyes, "Don't be a dumbass. You're allovwed to get cold, Kankri. It's not "unprofessional" or shit." 

He huffs. "Mhm." 

"Dan told me that you vwere out here." 

"Yes, I am attempting to locate Sollux Captor. He's missing." Kankri states. 

"Dumb kid." Cronus shakes his head and sighs, "Let's get lookin' then." 

"Yes, Cronus." He returns to the path that he had previously been walking, feeling a little more secure with his... Um, friend, beside him. After all, Cronus is a lot more intimidating than Kankri is and more than likely to scare off any monsters hiding in the dark. He sticks close to his side. 

They walk for a while in the snow, neither of them saying a word, both of them casting their eyes around to look for Sollux. Kankri kicks at the snow, sending small clouds of it up into the air, and watches it fall back down. There are no signs of Sollux Captor anywhere, not a hide nor hair of him. None that Kankri notices at least but his gaze is mainly focused on the ground anyway. He wants to say something but his mouth is dry and he can't find any words. 

"Cool sneakers." Cronus breaks the silence, nodding to him. 

Kankri snorts. 

His sneakers are old, shabby, and what Karkat always called "I'm-an-fucking-obnoxious-asshole red". They're Converse knockoffs and it's not difficult to tell that, especially for someone like Cronus who was probably taught brand names as soon as he could speak. Donovan "Dualscar" Ampora seems- from what Kankri's heard- to be the kind of person that would do that. Kankri already knew for a fact that "Dualscar" referred to everybody that lived in this part of town as "commoners". It was both amusing and insulting. 

These sneakers are the ones he got in tenth grade because his feet haven't grown even a little since then. It feels that he hasn't grown at all since tenth grade, in fact- his entire family are short, so he knows for sure that it's genetic, he guesses. It's not something that he could have avoided. It's just not fair that he's small- and that he has to ask Porrim for grab him off the top shelves in the supermarket for him (she's classically tall and elegant)- but he tries hard not to dwell on it too much. 

"I mean it, they're pretty svweet." Cronus insists, winking at him. 

Kankri doesn't know if it's supposed to be a joke but if it is, he doesn't get it. 

He scrunches his face up, confused. "Are you being sarcastic?" 

"Nope." Cronus says, "I think they're wvery fittin'." 

"They're shoes." Kankri states, "Can't you think of anything more intriguing to discuss than my footwear, Cronus?" 

"Politics?" He's definitely being sarcastic now. 

"Perhaps another time." Kankri smiles and looks up from the ground, inspecting Cronus's bare arms, "You must be cold without your jacket. Would you like me to return it now?" 

"Don't svweat it, Kan." Cronus shrugs. 

_But it's snowing_ , Kankri wants to insist. And it is, lightly, just a dusting of snow falling on them. It's very much like a scene from those romantic movies that come out around Christmas time. Though, he is reluctant to give up the jacket anytime soon. After all, not only is it comfortable but it smells nice and it's just so very... Cronus. He resolves that if the other man starts shivering or anything similar, he will force him back into the jacket. Otherwise, he'll just keep it on and try not to feel guilty about his boyfriend freezing for the sake of his comfort. 

They continue walking for a while after that and the only sound is their shoes against the snow and Cronus breathing. 

Everybody breathes differently, Kankri knows for a fact, because it's something that he notices whenever it's quiet. Not as if everybody has different methods of breathing but as in, everybody sounds entirely different when they breathe. 

Porrim breathes easy, not un-caring but unconcerned because she knows that she'll crush all objects in her path. She sounds confident, brave, and everything that Kankri is not. And it shows. Karkat huffs; short, angry breaths between long rants. He's asthmatic too and it's not hard to tell that if one listens close enough. Sollux Captor's breathing is nasally, as if he's always got a cold. But he hasn't, it's just what he sounds like. Which is gross and another reason that Kankri doesn't really like him. Eridan sucks in a lot of air, like a swimmer coming up for a breather. Like somebody trying not to drown. And Kurloz... Kurloz doesn't seem to breathe at all. Except at night, when his breathing seems obnoxiously loud. The rest of the time, he's more like a ghost than anything. 

Cronus wheezes, his lungs gasping for air, and he has to stop now and then to let his... Well, quite frankly, his shitty lungs rest. That's enough evidence for Kankri to conclude that he has smoked a long time, long enough to permanently damage his lungs. The breaths come short and sharp, sounding wrong and shaky. 

Kankri can't stand it. He can't stand listening to it any longer. He hates it. 

He has to say something to fill the silence between them so that he doesn't have to hear Cronus's breathing and how rusty it sounds. It's strange how quiet he is around Cronus actually, since Kankri is usually what his Dad calls (on the better days) "an irritating chatterbox". Back in school, he always got in trouble for talking out of turn. He knows that he has a tendency to ramble, since he's been left talking to thin-air before when people have walked away from him. But around Cronus... It's not that he can't talk. Or that he doesn't want to talk. 

For whatever the reason, most of the time, he doesn't feel as if he needs to talk. 

Now, he does feel like he needs to. Desperately. 

"I'm scared of the dark." He says, before he can register the words leaving his mouth, "Cronus, I'm scared of the dark." 

Cronus chuckles. "Once more in English, chief. I newver took Spanish." 

He'd spoken Spanish? So, he could retract his statement and say that it was nothing. He could easily say that he'd just been saying how cold it was or how dark it was or how steadily bored he was getting of walking through the snow and looking for somebody that obviously didn't want to be found. Cronus won't know any better, if he lies. Kankri doesn't want to lie to Cronus. 

So, he repeats himself, in English this time. 

Kankri mumbles, "I'm scared of the dark." 

"You are?" Cronus sounds surprised. 

_He's going to laugh at you_ , a nasty voice at the back of Kankri's mind says. 

"Scared of what could be hiding in the dark." Kankri cannot believe that he's saying this out loud, "Things creep up on you in the dark. Anyone could be out there. I mean, anything." 

"Do you vwanna hold my hand?" Cronus offers it. 

Kankri takes it. 

"I'm scared of me." Cronus says. He doesn't explain any further, though it looks as if he wants to. He opens his mouth to continue his thought but shakes his head and closes it again. Kankri thinks he understands because he knows what it's like to really want to tell somebody something but being too scared to do it. He wonders if Cronus has secrets just like Kankri does. Well, not secrets as such. Just things that he doesn't want to talk about. 

"Go on." Kankri urges. 

"Dad alvways said that vweather vwas the best subject to make small talk about." Cronus says, abruptly, changing the subject. That settles it. He clearly doesn't want to talk about whatever it was, so he made an effort to shift Kankri's focus elsewhere. It doesn't work and leaves Kankri wondering but he decides not to pry. 

"Snow." Kankri manages to laugh, "There's snow everywhere." 

"Lotta snovw. My first one, actually. It doesn't snovw vwhere I grevw up." 

"That's awful." Kankri says. 

"S'not so bad. I'm glad I get to spend the first one with ya, Kanny." 

When he looks up, Cronus is looking at him sort of... Fondly is the word he'd use to describe it. Fondly, or perhaps lovingly, or something along those lines. He looks at Kankri like he wants to look at Kankri. Clearly, he's beginning to get hot with this jacket on because there's a sudden rush of heat through Kankri's body, as if he'd stepped into a desert suddenly. He feels hot all over and his mind goes blank, leaving him unable to come up with an equally warm response. 

"Kankri." He says, for lack of something better to say, "It's Kankri." 

Kankri can vividly remember the last time that it snowed. He'd been- what?- thirteen or fourteen and Karkat must have been eight or nine. He'd always been incredibly sharp for a kid- Karkat, that was- but he'd been completely taken aback by the snow. Karkat had no idea what to do with himself and had resolved to lying face down in it to make a snow angel. At his brother's insistence, Kankri had joined him down there in the snow. It had been cold but that hadn't mattered, not really. It had been fun, Kankri remembered, a little surprised. That was the last time that it had snowed and so much had changed since then. 

Kankri really wishes his brother was here. Well, not here, right now. But he wishes that he was still in contact with his brother and that he hadn't just left him at home with their Dad. He feels increasingly guilty about it. 

"My brother likes the snow." He says, without realising what he was saying. 

Cronus pounces. "You hawve a brother?" 

"Yes." Kankri can't pick at his sweater, not with the jacket in the way. He resorts to playing with one of the many zips on the jacket instead. 

"Vwhat's he called?" 

"Karkat." _Beep Beep Meow_. That was what Karkat's friends had called him. Kankri had always found the nickname to be quite funny and had teased his brother with it once or twice. Only a few times though, he'd never been much of a teaser. 

"Does he liwve nearby?" Cronus asks. 

"I... I don't know." They haven't spoken since Kankri left home. 

_Don't think about it_. 

"Can we talk more about the weather?" Kankri goes back to kicking the snow. 

"Actually, I vwanted to ask ya somethin'." Cronus says, "I vwas plannin' to ask you vwhen you came back round but..." He shrugs, "Guess that's not happenin' any time soon. So... You vwanna be my boyfriend?" 

Though he was expecting it, Kankri falters. "What?" 

"Kankri Wvantas. Vwould you like to be my boyfriend?" Cronus stops, "Uh, vwas I not meant to say that? Kankri? Kan? Remember to breathe." He smacks him between the shoulder blades and Kankri splutters, gasping for air. He hadn't realised that he'd frozen there, as if he'd turned to stone. 

"Yes, please." Kankri manages, once he's spluttered to a stop, "Would you like to come back to my apartment now? You must be freezing and we've been looking long enough. Sollux goddamn Captor has vanished off the face of the earth." 

"You don't like Cap, do ya?" 

_"Huh!"_ Kankri huffs. 

After that, they retrace their footsteps all the way back to Kankri's apartment. It's a reasonably long way, since they've wandered quite a way away, but Kankri rambles to fill the silence. When his feet get tired and he starts complaining, Cronus just lifts him onto his back and carries him the rest of the way like that. Kankri nearly falls asleep resting against him like that and only opens his eyes properly when they get back and Cronus asks him for the keys. Whilst Cronus unlocks the door, Kankri checks the time and discovers that it's three in the morning. 

His boyfriend carries him up the stairs, even though he doesn't have to. 

Kankri slides off his boyfriend's- _boyfriend!_ \- back once they reach his apartment and opens the door, holding it open for him. 

"Yo, chief." Cronus says, upon entering, "Nice apartment." 

"Oh, shush." Kankri shuts the door behind them and locks it, checking it several times just to make sure. When he's certain that it's locked, he throws the keys back into the bowl that he keeps them in and stands there. "Well?" 

Cronus is already ahead of him, walking down the hall and peeking into each room. Once he finds the kitchen, he seems to deem this the appropriate room to enter and heads inside. Kankri is still standing at the end of the corridor, staring. He quickly hurries after him, however, and finds that Cronus is rummaging through the cupboards. 

"What are you doing?" Kankri asks, curiously. 

"Vwell, I'm no expert." Cronus says, "But you like tea, right?" 

"Correct." 

"Then, I'll make ya some." 

"You'll do it incorrectly; please, allow me to do it instead." Kankri pushes him out of the way, (he doesn't like other people touching his belongings), "You can be helpful by going and sitting in the front room. If it interests you, I have several magazines that may be of interest to you. Go." He's going to need a few moments to collect himself. 

As he sets the kettle to boil, he considers the circumstances. The man that he likes- possibly loves- is now his boyfriend and just down the hall from him. Cronus Ampora is in his apartment and trying his hardest to be sweet to him. Or, at least, that's how Kankri is reading his body-language but he's been wrong before. The kettle finishing makes him jolt and he gets to work pouring two cups of tea. Of course, he has entirely assumed that Cronus likes tea and this specific brand of tea and now that he thinks it over, perhaps he shouldn't have assumed these things. Maybe he's done this all wrong and Cronus will- 

"Kankri." 

The sudden voice in his ear makes him jolt and his hands shake, spilling water on the kitchen counter. 

" _Shit_." Kankri exclaims, "Yes? What do you want?" 

He hears Cronus saying something but he's not really listening, rubbing at his eyes. 

Sighing, he gets a towel and mops up the spilt water. He scrubs until he's entirely certain that the entire surface is definitely dry and then, he goes back to stirring tea. There's something calming about making tea, he's always thought. It's routine, it's precision, and he's always liked those two things. He likes order.

Cronus's hand is suddenly on his arm. "Kankri." 

"Yes?" Kankri looks at him and he's frowning, "I apologise, I wasn't listening. What were you saying, Cronus?" 

"I vwas sayin' that you should go and get some rest. You're fallin' asleep." Cronus looks... Concerned, perhaps? 

"No, I'll be quite alright." Kankri pushes a cup of tea towards him, "Here." 

"This ain't coffee, is it, Kan?" 

"Coffee is bad for you." Kankri says, "Not as bad as smoking or drinking or eating meat but it's still bad for your health. Depending on caffeine is also bad, Cronus. Honestly, you should know these things." 

"I do knovw. I just choose not to care." 

"Well, I care." Kankri says, making a note to stop Cronus smoking. Somehow. Because if he did kiss him- someday, sometime, maybe- he wouldn't like Cronus to taste like nicotine. He thinks that would be incredibly triggering actually. Also, he doesn't just want to watch his boyfriend slowly poison himself with cigarettes without doing anything to stop him. He's got to make an effort, at least. 

"So, you're a wvegetarian?" Cronus quirks an eyebrow, "Pretty sexy."

Kankri rolls his eyes. "Vegan." 

"Wvegan?" Cronus looks amused. 

"Yes." Kankri says, "I'm trying to be, at least. Sometimes, it can be rather difficult." 

"Mhm?" 

"I just... I quite like chocolate." Kankri admits, "And... Sometimes, I eat fish."

"Slovw dovwn, crazy." Cronus chuckles, leaning forward to push one of Kankri's curls back behind his left ear, "You're precious, you knovw that?" 

Kankri doesn't know how to respond, so he just shrugs and focuses on sipping at his tea. He leans against the kitchen counter, trying to keep his gaze focused straight ahead but he can't help glancing at his boyfriend now and then. The feeling of his fingers grazing against his forehead... Touching his hair.... God... _His boyfriend_. God, his father would kill him, if he knew. 

_But he doesn't know_. 

God, Kankri has never done anything like this before. He doesn't even know how to date. 

"'Ey, Kanny?" Cronus taps him on the shoulder, "You aren't freakin' out or anythin', are ya?" 

"Would you like to see my bedroom?" Kankri blurts out; before realising how suggestive it sounds and flushing, "I don't mean- I don't- I just wondered if you- I don't want to have sexual intercourse with you! I just wondered if you'd like to see it. Since you're... You know... My boyfriend, now." 

"It's cool." Cronus grins, "I knovw what you mean. Shovw me ya pad, chief." And he holds out a hand to him, waiting patiently. There's a burn along the side of his hand, blackish-looking. Kankri tries not to look at it. 

For the second time tonight, Kankri takes his hand.


	7. The Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that the next chapter will be longer. 
> 
> Happy New Year from England!

The first thing that Cronus thinks is: _oh my god, I'm in Kan's bedroom right now_. 

That's when he steps through the door and his boyfriend grips his hand tighter, his palms all clammy like they get when he's nervous. Kankri Vantas is nervous an awful lot, even when he doesn't want to admit to it. By now, Cronus has come to recognise the signs and the clammy hands is right at the top of the list. Underneath are things like "rambling", "picking at his sweater" and "random bursts of Spanish". The last of which is actually pretty adorable.

"Oh, man, Kankri." 

"Do you like it?" 

His bedroom is the neatest that Cronus has ever seen (and he's seen quite a few bedrooms in his time). But the second thing he thinks, upon actually entering the bedroom, is _holy shit, I'm actually dating the biggest (and yet, tiniest) nerd in existence_. 

Kankri's bedroom has shelves and shelves and shelves of books with a footstool beside them, so that he can reach the highest ones. It's hard to see the walls because there are so many books stacked on the shelves. 

Before he can stop himself, Cronus approaches and starts scanning the books. Amongst the boring non-fiction books, he can easily pick out all seven Harry Potters ( _fuck yeah_ , he thinks to himself) and just about every other young adult series published within the last decade. There are also a lot of those badly written romance novels with cheesy names. Cliché books. 

"Kankri Wvantas, is this the Tvwilight saga?" He says, in actual shock, because he thought that Kankri would only read very literal and boring books, (maybe something about math or psychology or something). He picks the third one in the series off the shelf and flicks through it, discovering folded corners and lines that have been highlighted using a yellow marker. "And you'wve read them. My, my, Kan. Wvampires, huh?" 

Kankri rolls his eyes and tugs on his sweater sleeve. "I am allowed to enjoy good romance novels, Cronus. Just because I'm celibate doesn't mean that I'm uninterested in romance, as you very well know." 

Colour Cronus surprised. "I newver had you pinned dovwn as a romantic, chief." 

Honestly, he thought Kankri was a little too uptight to enjoy books like these. 

"Oh my God." Kankri lifts his sweater sleeve to his mouth and chews on him, muffling his words a little, "You don't even understand anything, do you? Of course, I'm a romantic, you... You dumbass." It's so weird hearing him swear. "I thought that much was obvious." 

"You nerwvous?" He certainly sounds nervous. 

"I don't like people touching my belongings." Kankri shifts from one foot to the other, watching him warily. 

"Sorry, chief." Cronus slides the book back into it's place and steps back, taking in the sight of the book shelves. There's more than a few self-help books stacked on a shelf, separated from the other books which seem to mix freely; though he doesn't touch them, he takes in the titles with genuine interest. There's books like _Obsessions: A Breakdown of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder_ , _Dealing with Anxiety_ , and _Understanding the Autistic Child_. Probably for work, Cronus guesses, but some of them look incredibly well-read. 

When he's noted some of the titles, he lets his gaze pass over them and onto the last shelf. It's been committed only to a nice, thick bible, which sits in the middle of it proudly. Not to mention, it's got the bookmark tucked inside it. 

"You're a Christian?" Cronus tries not to sound too surprised, "Like, a proper one?" 

"Is that strange to you?" His boyfriend crosses his arms, quirking an eyebrow, "How so?"

"I just thought that-" 

"Christians didn't go in for homosexuality?" Kankri guesses, accurately, "Most of them don't. My father certainly doesn't; he believes that it's a sin." He shakes his head and moves to the bed, sitting cross-legged on top of it, "Me? Not so much. I think that God loves all of us, no matter what." 

"Your dad sounds like a dick." Cronus thinks aloud. 

"That's because he is." Kankri spits, his eyes suddenly fiery, "I hate him. I actually hate him. And I know that we aren't supposed to hate people and that it's probably bad but I hate him." 

"Vwhy?" Cronus stares at him. 

"I don't want to talk about it." He looks away from Cronus.

He's still curious as anything but Cronus lets the subject drop and instead inspects where there's a haphazard pile of magazines on Kankri's desk. They don't look like his kind of thing at all but then again, the guy does seem to be full of surprises. Cronus picks up one and flicks to the back, finding in amusement that the horoscopes at the back have been circled several times. There's also several hearts doodled over the page. All the crosswords have been filled in with neat green handwriting that does definitely not belong to Kankri. It's too feminine looking, too curly and pretty. 

"Porrim." Kankri informs him, seeming to realise what he's thinking, "She's always leaving those silly magazines here." 

"Does she come over a lot, chief?" 

"She does." Kankri nods and his voice wobbles a little, "She's my only friend." 

"I'm your only boyfriend, though." Cronus reminds him with a wink. 

Kankri scoffs. "God knows why." 

Cronus balls up and throws a magazine at his head. 

"Hey!" Kankri laughs, (beautiful noise), and ducks out of the way.

The walls are strung with fairy lights, of all different colours, which make the room look as if it's coated in different flavours of candy. They are looped precariously, a little too wobbly to have been put up by Kankri, plus way too high for him to be able to reach. Porrim, Cronus guesses, since that woman seems to be running the ship around here. Like she's Kankri's Mom or something, (now that he thinks about it, he doesn't think Kankri has ever mentioned a Mom...). 

There are curtains hung over the reasonably large window, which are a bright red and decorated with words printed carefully in white. Simple words, complicated words, none of them seeming to match up. He spends a good few minutes staring before realising he can't make a connection between any of them. 

"Yo, chief." Cronus says, to get his attention, "Vwhat do these mean?" He flicks the curtain on the left before turning to look at his boyfriend. 

Kankri shrugs. "They're good words."

"Good vwords?" Cronus repeats, "Vwhat do you mean?" 

"They're just good words." Kankri says, "Words that... Make me feel comfortable. Good words. Nice words. _Smile_." He points, "Good word. Unlike..." He thinks, biting his lip, " _Darkness_. That's a bad word. Do you understand?" 

"I think so." Cronus recalls something and picks the magazine back off the bed, opening it and turning the pages, "Are these good words, Kankri?" There are words circled on some of the pages, outlined in red ink. Some of them have stars next to them. 

"Yes." Kankri seems to shrink into his jumper; he inhales and then says in one breath, "Do you think I'm a freak or an oddity or something?" 

"'Course not." Cronus snorts, collapsing onto the bed, "You're my fawvourite person, Kan." 

This seems to please Kankri, who instantly moves so that he can lean against Cronus and push him down so that he can rest his head on his shoulder. As always, Kankri is strangely warm and soft, reminding Cronus of a blanket that he used to have when he was a really little kid. 

"Is this okay?" Kankri mumbles. 

"It's great." 

Kankri is comforting, he realises, and he turns to look at him, bumping noses with him accidentally. His boyfriend is close, smiling widely, and for a minute, Cronus thinks that he's going to kiss him. He's ready, he's never been more ready to kiss someone in his life. Instead, Kankri just leans in and whispers:

"Do you want to see the coolest thing ever?" 

"Hate to break it to ya, doll, but I see myself ewveryday." 

Kankri rolls his eyes and pushes away from him, sliding off the bed. He crawls over to the plug socket and flicks the fairylights off, taking the warm glow away from the room. Without them, the overhead light looks harsh and yellow. Thankfully, Kankri also flicks this off and plunges the room into total darkness- for a few seconds, at least. 

That's when Cronus's eyes adjust properly and he realises that something is lighting the room up and he looks up to see a million stars. Kankri Vantas has the universe painted on his ceiling in glow-in-the-dark paint. It's not just beautiful, it's impressive, swirling collections of stars and galaxies. The planets are painted carefully to revolve around the sun in the middle of the room. And the entire thing is glowing, like the actual night sky but so much better because there's no city lights blocking anything. 

"I dabbled in art during college." Kankri says, sitting back down, "Do you like it?" 

Somehow, it's surprising to think about someone like Kankri as being interested in art. He doesn't seem particularly creative, more of a facts person. Plus, more than once, he's got confused by thinking that Cronus is being serious when he is being sarcastic. Also, Kankri Vantas is a clean freak. It's strange to think about him handling something as messy as paint. 

Cronus is dying to ask how he got into art and if he's painted anything else and what he likes about it. He does not ask any of these questions. 

"You painted this?" Instead Cronus asks, "Hovw did you reach?" 

"Shut up." Kankri pushes his face against his arm, much like a cat, "God, Cronus." 

"God helped you reach?" 

Kankri laughs. "You're such a jerk. Don't talk about Him like that. I used a ladder, Cronus."

"I didn't knovw that you vwere good at art." Cronus adds, quieter, "You really painted this? Vwoah, Raphael." 

"You know Raphael?" Kankri, no word of a lie, grins at him. 

"I knovw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." It's only a half-lie. 

Kankri laughs and laughs and laughs until it seems like he's never going to stop. It's the most beautiful sound in the world, fuck all that rock music shit Cronus loves, this is where it's at. He looks so nice when he laughs as well, like he's completely forgotten to be anxious and actually looks relaxed for the first time in forever. There are no barriers between them when Kankri laughs, nothing that separates them, nothing that makes them any different. It's like Kankri laughing has completely taken away everything Cronus knew and changed it. 

Eventually, he sobers up and relaxes against Cronus. "You are so much smarter than you let on, I know you are. You're just so obsessed with looking cool that you forget about how great you really are underneath. I know you're smart, Cronus, I know." 

And he grins at him with his bright teeth and his brown eyes and the faint freckles on his nose and Cronus thinks, _I could die happy right now_. 

"Nah, chief, I ain't smart." He shrugs. 

"You are. You say things that are really smart and try to cover them up." Kankri pokes him, "I know that you know who Raphael is. And I know that you don't own Harry Potter shirts purely for ironic purposes only, no matter what you say. You're not as good at pretending as you think you are, Cronus Ampora. You are a poser." 

"Vwould you like a medal?" Cronus doesn't know what else to say. He's been uncovered. 

"No, but I would like to cuddle with you, if that is okay with you." Kankri says, boldly, "Is that okay, Cronus?" 

"That's cool, Kan." He falls back and lays on the bed, pulling Kankri down with him. His boyfriend wriggles around until he finds a comfortable position with his head resting on Cronus's chest. One of his legs is pressed right up against Cronus's, one of his arms flung across him. Knowing Kankri, he has planned every single one of these things in advance, calculating the most comfortable method. Either way, it's incredibly sweet and he's incredibly warm, his hot breath against Cronus's chest. 

"Tell me about you." Kankri says, and it's not a request. 

"Thought you'd figured it all out, Sherlock." 

"Tell me something that I don't already know about you." Kankri's finger starts tracing patterns on his side. It actually kind of tickles and makes Cronus smile but he covers it up quickly, pushing Kankri's hand away. His boyfriend rolls his eyes. Oh fuck, he actually can see through the cool façade he's been putting up for years. 

Cronus frowns. "I dropped out of college." 

Kankri clicks his tongue. "Keep going." 

"Not because I'm dumb or anythin'. I just didn't like it there." He explains quickly because he doesn't want Kankri to think that he's an idiot as well as a poser. He did not get on well at college, not at all. Actually, Cronus had liked the classes but he'd struggled to turn up for them because he spent most nights drinking and most days hungover. This was not something that he wanted to share with Kankri. 

"What were you taking?" 

"Chemistry, music, art. Y'knovw. Borin' shit." He lies. 

"You took chemistry?" Kankri lifts his head up to look at him. The stars glowing on the ceiling cast a strange light across his face, making him look different. Making him look less... Rigid. More comfortable. 

"It vwas my best subject in high school." Cronus mumbles, "I like science." 

"I like literature." Kankri settles back down, "Do you like math?" 

"I don't hate it." Cronus says, "Vwhy do you care?" 

"I just think it's rather interesting, that's all." 

Cronus stares up at the stars winking at him from the ceiling. "No offence, Kanny, but that's a little vweird." 

He feels his boyfriend shifting beside him. 

"No, it tells me a lot about you as person. Like you are really, really smart." He can sense Kankri grinning; he doesn't even need to look, "I mean, chemistry isn't an easy subject. And I know that you were- are- very smart, when it comes to art because you admitted that you took it in college. And you know who Raphael is." 

"I told ya, Ninja Turtles." He defends, pathetically. 

"Cronus, why do you insist on lying to me? Are you trying to impress me? It's not working." 

He doesn't say anything, he just stares up at the ceiling. Seeming to sense that Cronus is uncomfortable, Kankri pokes him hard in the side so that he looks down at him. 

"Do you know any constellations?" 

"No." Cronus lies. 

"I'll show you some." Kankri says, "We've got some time until Kurloz and Eridan return." 

Kankri seems to know every single constellation and points each one out, explaining the stories behind them as well as he can remember them. The whole time, Kankri is curled up against him and the sound of his voice is... Well, it's nice to listen to. It doesn't rise or fall, it stays steady like a straight line. Which makes it sound boring but it's not, it's reassuring, it's comforting, and it's gentle. Carefully, Cronus works a hand into his boyfriend's hair and fiddles with one of the dark curls, wrapping it around his finger. They're loose curls that don't ping back into place and look kind of messy. The only part of Kankri that isn't neat and precise. 

And they are totally fucking gorgeous. 

Kankri clears his throat, pointedly. "Cronus, are you listening to me?" 

"Eh? Yeah, chief, sure I am." 

"You are a liar." 

"Hovw'd ya knovw?" 

"You were mumbling to yourself. A sure sign that you weren't listening." He pushes himself up on one elbows and shoots Cronus a wicked grin, (probably the first and only time he will ever get to witness it), "I'm your boyfriend now, I am allowed to call you out on things like that." 

_Boyfriend_. Not a title Cronus has held many times before. 

"Sorry, chief." He says, before offering as a kind of explanation, "Can you tell me somethin'?" 

"Depends, are you goin' to ask me somethin' that I don't vwanna ansvwer?" 

"Probably." Kankri shrugs, "Answer me anyway. Is it true that these-" He pokes at the scars on Cronus's forehead, tracing them with his index and middle finger, "- are from you trying to give yourself a Harry Potter scar?" 

"Dan told ya that, didn't he?" Cronus groans. 

"That was a really dangerous thing to do." 

"Vwe all did stupid things at tvwelwve." 

"You're an idiot." Kankri studies him for a long moment, his fingers still tracing the marks. For the second time, Cronus thinks that his boyfriend is going to kiss him. Though he can't be sure, he swears that he sees a flicker of hesitation in Kankri's dark eyes, before he abruptly draws back and stands back up to switch the light on. Bathed in ugly yellow light again, Cronus feels vaguely disappointed that Kankri seems to have decided that the moment's over. 

"We should go check on the others." He says. 

"Sure." Cronus replies.


	8. Worthless Garbage

Everything is quiet in the apartment once it's just Kankri again. He's sat on the rug in front of the television, laptop balanced precariously on his knees as he types. Every now and then, he glances up at the screen to see how Renée Zellweger and Colin Firth are getting on, (not very well but things are beginning to look better for them). He's sat there, writing up notes and sending some emails to Kurloz, when his cell phone begins to ring. 

Presuming it to be Porrim, he picks it up and balances it between his ear and his shoulder, continuing to work. 

"Is this really important? Mark has just turned up at Bridget's home." 

He's not expecting to hear his boyfriend on the other end of the line. "Vwhat the fuck are you talkin' about, Kan?" 

"Bridget... Jones...?" Kankri curses silently and presses a hand to his face; he's an idiot for not checking who was calling, "It's a movie, don't concern yourself with it. I just thought you were Porrim, that's all. Also, you shouldn't use that kind of language." 

"Isn't that mowvie for chicks?" Cronus chuckles. 

"Why must you gender-type movies, Cronus? It's for anybody." He's very glad that his boyfriend can't see how much he's blushing. Maybe it is a movie targeted at women but that doesn't mean that he can't enjoy it. Besides, Porrim said it was one of the most iconic romance movies and that she was horrified he hadn't seen it already. 

"It's okay, Kan. Actually, I vwas just callin' to ask if you vwanted to come vwatch a mowvie vwith me. But if you're busy..." He's clearly teasing but Kankri falls into the trap anyway. 

"No, no, no!" He says, quickly, "I'm nearly at the end anyway and then, I will be straight over to see you. Anything that I should be bringing with me?" 

"Maybe... Some of your stuff?" Cronus sounds hesitant, "I mean, I'wve got the apartment to myself and I thought you might vwanna stay a vwhile. You don't if you don't vwant to. I get that you might be... Uncomfortable or some shit." 

That's right, Cronus does have the entire apartment to himself- since Sollux got hospitalised for two months and Eridan decided he'd rather stay with the Captors than at home with his brother. 

It never even occurred to Kankri that his boyfriend would be living alone for the next two months. And whilst he'd been intending to spend some time relaxing- since they were halfway between Christmas and New Year now and he was taking some time off for it- he suddenly didn't feel content with lazing here with a blanket and watching Renée and Colin kissing in the snow- though, it still makes him smile as he watches. Unfortunately, whilst distracted, he forgets about balancing his laptop and drops it with a squawk. 

"Damn!" He rescues his laptop, closing it and putting it out of harm's way back on top of the couch. 

"Kan, are you still there?" Cronus asks, "Kan?" 

"Sorry, I just was... Nothing." Kankri shakes his head, "How long would I be staying for, hypothetically, of course?" 

"As long as you vwant. Does that mean you're comin'? Because I should really clean some shit before you get here. This place is literally a shithole compared to your apartment." Cronus says, "Sorry in adwvance. You're goin' to hate it." 

"It's okay. I'm going to pack my things up and then, I will be right over. Goodbye, Cronus." 

"Goodbye, babe." 

"Kankri!" He snaps at him, before he hangs up on him and scurries to find a bag that he can use. 

He finds his one and only suitcase stashed at the back of his closet and pulls it out, blowing the dust off it. Since Cronus didn't specify how long he was going to be staying, Kankri decides that he'd rather overpack than underpack and gets to work stuffing two months' worth of clothing into his suitcase. Actually, he doesn't stuff as much as carefully fold and lay each item of clothing inside like he's playing Tetris. Since his wardrobe mainly consists of thick sweaters, it takes a while to make space for anything else. 

Again, because he doesn't know how long he's going to be gone, he decides to fit as many books as he can into the space left in his suitcase. That's about five to six reasonably thick books and four very quick reads, which should be enough for maybe a month or two. He can always come back and pick some more up if he finishes those off, he decides, and begins to think about what else he'll need. More importantly, he thinks about what Cronus won't have that he'll need. Things like hot water bottles and aspirins and energy bars. Once he's somehow managed to wedge leftover items like his toothbrush and toothpaste into the corner of the suitcase, he decides that should be enough for two months and zips it up. 

He realises that he didn't leave any room for his laptop, so he closes it and tucks it under his arm, carrying it with him to the car. After checking that he's locked the door several times and texted Porrim to tell her not to come over because he won't be home, he drives over to the apartment that he can barely remember the address of. He swears that he drives past it about five times because it looks exactly the same as every other building on the block. 

Eventually, he does find it and struggles up the stairs inside. He's not particularly strong and his suitcase is heavy, meaning he has to stop and take about seven breaks on the way up the stairs. Luckily, Cronus meets him halfway and takes his suitcase from him, carrying it a whole lot easier. Like a knight in shining armour, like someone from a romantic novel. Kankri doesn't fight his smile. 

"Vwhat did you bring vwith you, rocks?" Cronus raises an eyebrow; then, he grins and hastily corrects himself, "It's those trashy books, isn't it?" 

"They aren't trashy!" Kankri protests, "You are so judgemental!" 

"I'm just teasin'." Cronus offers up his spare hand and Kankri takes it gratefully as they continue up the stairs, "I'm actually kinda surprised you agreed to come owver." 

"I am surprised, personally. But I wouldn't like you to spend the holiday season alone." Nobody should have to spend the holidays alone, as a rule. Kankri has never spent a single one alone before. When he was younger, him and Karkat tended to celebrate in private. Now, he just tends to go over to Porrim's and she bakes for him. They watch a lot of movies and play board games and last year, they had party poppers. 

This year, Eridan and Kankri are arranging a late Christmas party for when Sollux leaves the hospital. But still, he can spend the holidays with Cronus, which will be something new. Kankri's never had a boyfriend/girlfriend/other to spend the holidays with before. 

"Eh, I'm used to it." Cronus says, "At least I'll hawve somebody to kiss on Nevw Years." 

"Cro-"

"I'm kiddin'." He assures him, squeezing his hand tightly, "I vwon't make you do anythin' that you aren't comfortable vwith, you knovw that. I promise ya." 

"Thanks." Kankri relaxes; then, he looks up at Cronus properly and notices that something is different. Quite a few somethings are different actually but the first thing that he notes is: "I didn't know that you wore glasses." 

"Oh, shit, yeah." Cronus seems to remember and adjusts them self-consciously, "I vwear them sometimes. I guess I forgot to take them off." 

They are round-glasses, black rims, and look strange on his face. Foreign on his face, shattering his cool façade. Though, now that Kankri's looking, they do seem to frame his face rather well and they're almost... Attractive. At least now, Cronus doesn't seem to be straining to see. He never noticed that his boyfriend was doing that until he stopped. 

"'Ey, stop starin'." 

"I am not staring." Kankri looks away because he was staring, "I apologise. Is this the place?" 

He's only seen the apartment once or twice before, late at night. He never payed much attention to what it looked like before, more focused on Cronus than anything. Now, he feels like an idiot for not even remembering what it looks like. 

"Duh, chief." 

They've come to a stop outside a door and Cronus pushes it open, revealing an apartment that actually is a lot uglier and a lot filthier than Kankri remembers. Instantly, he makes the resolution that he's going to clean every single inch of it until it is completely perfect. Then, he follows his boyfriend inside and Cronus puts his suitcase down in the front room. 

"I vwarned you it vwas a mess in here. Eridan does his best though." Cronus says, "Poor kid does too much for other people sometimes, I svwear. It's better than him being a total prick but I do vworry about him, y'knovw." 

"I understand." Kankri says, carefully placing his laptop on the coffee table where it is unlikely to be touched, "Where will I be staying?" 

"Vwell, there's my room but it's kinda disgustin' and you probably don't vwanna-" 

"No, I don't." Kankri says, quickly. As much as he likes Cronus, he does not want to be that intimate with him, not so soon. 

"I didn't think so." Cronus grins at him, "Or there's Eridan and Sollux's room but I'm banned from goin' in there-" 

"No." He was not sleeping somewhere where Eridan Ampora and Sollux Captor had likely had sexual intercourse. 

"The couch?" 

"It will do." Kankri says, firmly, because it seems like the safest choice, "Meanwhile, you promised me that we could watch a movie together. What movie will we be watching? I hope you've picked out something suitable." 

"You like Harry Potter, right?" Cronus looks at him, unsurely, already knelt beside the stack of DVDs that is on the verge of toppling over beside the TV, "I'm pretty sure vwe'vwe got mowvies one through sewven dovwn here. Do you like _Order of the Phoenix_? That's my fawvourite one." He picks it out and holds it up for him. 

He doesn't try to cover up what he said and it gives Kankri hope. "I do like it."

"I'm glad." Cronus puts the movie in and sits on the couch, scrabbling for the remote, "C'mere. Come sit vwith me, Kanks." 

Kankri sits on the edge of the couch, crossing one leg over the other and letting his hands fall into his lap. He doesn't sit too close to his boyfriend because he doesn't know if that's okay. 

"You aren't wearing any of that stuff in your hair." Kankri comments, trying to pretend like he hasn't been wondering what's different with Cronus's hair for the last ten minutes. 

"I didn't knovw I vwas goin' to hawve company." 

"You invited me over." Kankri points out. 

Cronus sighs. "Busted." 

That makes Kankri laugh. "You purposely left it out for me, didn't you?" 

"Maybe." Cronus shrugs, looking a little sheepish, "Do you like it?" 

"It's nice." He shuffles a little closer and reaches up, brushing back one of the loose strands of hair, "I like it a lot better now that I don't have to worry about getting grease on my hands. It's most likely a lot better for your hair too. Wearing too much hair product could damage it." Cronus's hair is loosely curled at the tips. It's wonderful. 

"You're wvery blunt, y'knovw?" Cronus carefully wraps an arm around him and pulls him in closer, leaning so that their faces are almost brushing against each other, "Is this okay?"

"This is okay." Kankri forces himself to breathe; as he exhales, he notes that the movie hasn't started and takes the remote from Cronus, "You have to press play." 

"Vwhat?" 

"The movie won't start unless you press play." Kankri explains, "Since it's a worldwide purchased movie, you will most likely have to pick a language too. You must know this, you must have watched a movie before." 

Cronus laughs but he doesn't seem to be laughing at him. "You're so cute." 

Kankri's face burns hot.

He plays the movie and slowly relaxes in his boyfriend's grip, his hands staying still instead of playing with his sweater for once. It can only be late afternoon but the curtains are drawn, meaning the room is dark enough for it to feel like night. Not to mention, it gets darker much quicker in wintertime. And Cronus is comfortable to rest against and before long, Kankri feels himself falling asleep. 

He tries his best to fight it, trying to jerk himself awake before he can pass out, but fails and instead finds himself drifting off to sleep. Of course, he's initially filled with panic because he fell asleep and that's never good. Falling asleep is never good. 

There are nightmares and they are confusing, blurring, flashes of colour and sound. Kankri knows that they aren't real but at the same time, why shouldn't they be real? They're memories after all, just distorted a little, but the basis for them are memories. These are things that he's remembering. He can remember the yelling because that was always happening at home. But in his dreams, it is louder and he can't understand it, which makes it more frightening somehow. 

He remembers his dad but in his dreams, he has twisted him into some sort of monster. His dad is leering and dangerous and he is not afraid to lash out. Sometimes, he isn't sure how much is memory and how much his mind has fabricated. 

_Kankri, you gotta wake up, you gotta._

"Kan?" 

He forces himself to break the surface and wakes up, surprised to see that he's still relaxing against his boyfriend. As he inhales sharply, he realises that he's crying and stops abruptly, wiping his eyes on his sleeve so that his boyfriend won't see. He sits up a little, horrified to realise that he was drooling on his boyfriend. God, he hopes he wasn't talking in his sleep or anything else equally as embarrassing. 

"Kankri?" Cronus nudges him gently, "Kanks, are you cryin'?" 

"No." He says, hating thick and muffled his voice sounds, "I'm not." 

"You are cryin'." Cronus inspects him closely and his face scrunches in concern, "Vwhat's up? Did I upset ya? I can driwve you home if you vwant." 

_Home_ , Kankri thinks and he almost laughs. 

"No, it's nothing." He insists, wriggling free of his boyfriend and standing up, "Will you show me where the bathroom is, please?" He isn't sure how he feels right now, a little on edge perhaps. Whenever he has a nightmare at home, it always takes him a few moments to gather himself. He does not want Cronus to watch him pull himself back together. He just needs a few private moments to himself. 

"Sure." Cronus doesn't look fooled but he gets up and leads Kankri down the hall, "It's just- _fuck_." He catches Kankri before Kankri even realises himself that he's falling. He didn't even realise how weak he felt at the knees until then. Now, he clings to his boyfriend and tells himself that nothing is wrong and he doesn't need to freak out. Carefully, Cronus pulls him into the bathroom. He leans against the wall to support himself, suddenly doubting his legs being able to support him. 

"Tell me vwhat's up." Cronus demands, his bright blue eyes bearing into him, "I am more than done vwith this bullshit. I vwant to knovw vwhat's goin' on." 

_Done, done, done_.

He shies away from his gaze automatically, staring at the ground. 

"Nothing is going on-"

"Kan-" 

"I said nothing is going on. I'm just... It's not something that's happening now. It's something that's already happened." 

Cronus tries to talk and he shushes him.

"Just shut up for five minutes and hear me out." Kankri holds up a finger to silence him. For a long moment, they just stand there in silence and he can just hear himself breathing and Cronus wheezing and it sounds awful. And he tries to think of how he can say this, how he can explain his life, how he can explain his stupid paranoia and his nightmares. How can he explain this mess that is his mind right now? In the end, he just settles on five words. 

"Cronus, my dad was abusive." 

Cronus looks away and looks back at Kankri and then away again. 

"You think I'm lying." Kankri challenges. 

Cronus doesn't say anything. 

"You think I'm a freak." 

Cronus is still staring at him. 

_"JESUS CHRIST, CAN YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING ALREADY?"_ Kankri surprises even himself by yelling. 

Cronus kisses him. 

Kankri does not miss a single detail of it. He does not miss how Cronus's hand presses against the bathroom wall first, before he leans in too fast and locks lips with him. He tastes like nicotine and breath mints and something else that Kankri can't place. His other hand creeps behind Kankri, coming to rest on his lower back, so that he can pull him in closer. In order to kiss him, Cronus has to duck down a little. Kankri has never kissed anybody never, not a single person, so this is something new. He's pretty sure he's not doing it right. 

When Cronus draws back, he just looks at him. 

Kankri explodes. "I wasn't ready for you to do that, Cronus! How many times have I told you that I am not comfortable with intimacy? For fuck's sake, I just told you that my dad used to say horrible things to me and he used to hit me and then, you just go ahead and kiss me! How can you think that's alright? In what universe is that fucking okay? I wasn't ready, you knew I wasn't ready! _You promised you wouldn't do anything that I wasn't comfortable with!_ What, were you just trying to shut me up by ramming your tongue down my throat?" He stops to breathe, "I can't believe you would do that!" 

"I..." Cronus looks confused, like he's just woken up from a bizarre dream, "He hit you?" 

That's all it takes for Kankri to resume crying. 

"Kanny, I am so, so, so, so sorry." Cronus snaps back into action, coming out of his daze, and pulls him into a tight hug, "I'm so, so sorry." 

"Maybe sorry isn't good enough! I didn't want you to kiss me! _Let go of me_!" Kankri can't breathe, "Let go of me, damnit!" 

Cronus lets go of him. "Vwhat do you vwant me to say?" 

"Say you're a dumbass." Kankri backs as far away as he can in the small room. 

"I'm a dumbass." 

"You knew I wasn't ready to kiss you." 

"I knovw." He weakens, "I knevw you vweren't ready. I broke my promise. And I'm sorry."

"Really, really?" 

"Really, really." Cronus bites his lip. Withdrawals. "Are you goin' to be okay?" 

"Maybe. Just leave me alone for a while." 

Cronus looks like he wants to say something else. Instead, he shakes his head and leaves the room, carefully shutting the door behind him. 

Kankri hates himself for crying. 

However, he spends the rest of the day doing just that, sat on the floor of the bathroom. A few times, he checks his phone for messages but there's nothing. Nothing from Eridan, nothing from Porrim, nothing, nothing, nothing. He scrolls through his list of contacts until he finds Karkat's number and stares at it for a good, long minute. He wonders if the number will still be the same after all these years and if his brother would even respond to a message from him. He wonders if his brother even remembers him, it's been so long. He switches his phone off and sticks it back in his pocket, staring down at the floor. He feels sick. 

Even now, he can't understand why the hell Cronus had kissed him. 

It made him so... So angry. He rarely felt angry but Cronus had really-

Well, he'd really pissed him off, to be blunt. 

_"I don't think he intended to upset you. Cronus seems a little ignorant. Maybe you should have explained and given him a chance to apologise."_ Kurloz's words ring in his ears. 

Right, right, Cronus didn't think about his actions a lot of time. 

And he had tried to apologise afterwards; he'd seemed concerned about Kankri. He'd known that he'd done something wrong. It was just a... Split second decision that Cronus had made and regretted. 

And Cronus is his boyfriend, after all. Maybe he thought that he was meant to kiss him. Taking a deep breath, Kankri decides that he'll give him a second chance and stands up. He unlocks the bathroom door and listens, hearing the TV playing back down the hall. Some stupid chat show. Kankri heads back to the front room and finds his boyfriend is slung across the couch, wearing his jacket and smelling of smoke. He'd obviously been outside. 

"Did you go out to smoke?" The words escape before Kankri can stop them. 

"Kanny-" His boyfriend notices him and sits up abruptly, brushing his hair back. 

"Did you?" He stares Cronus down. 

"Yeah." He admits, "Sorry." 

"Well, you need to stop. It's bad for you." Kankri approaches and stands beside the couch, "You are damaging your lungs. And... It makes you smell really, really bad. Like Dad. He smoked too." He kneels down on the couch and tugs on Cronus's jacket, "Take it off, you're inside. Your shoes too. You aren't meant to wear them inside. Honestly, your manners are appalling." 

"Does this mean you aren't mad at me anymore, chief?" 

"It means I'm willing to try again. I'd like to try kissing you again. Maybe." Kankri bites down hard on his bottom lip, "Would that be okay?" He manages a small grin, fiddling with Cronus's jacket, "I'd really like to have dinner too. Together. Would you object to pizza?" 

"Doesn't that hawve cheese on it?" Cronus frowns. 

"Yes?" 

"I thought you vwere wvegan." 

"There's vegan pizza, Cronus, it has soy cheese on it." Kankri laughs, "You're very sweet to think of me though." He reaches out and takes Cronus's hand, locking his fingers firmly though his, "I'm really sorry that I yelled at you. I said things that.... Weren't fair. You didn't know the situation. Not really." 

"I'm sorry I didn't respect ya boundaries and shit." Cronus frowns, "And that I made ya uncomfortable." 

"We'll have to work on respecting each other's triggers more." Kankri says and he leans in.

And he kisses him, on the lips, slowly and carefully. 

He has no idea what he's doing but somehow, it doesn't matter.


End file.
